Knittwitt Knitter

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

WIP Wednesday

Hello knitters.

Just a quick post today. I have been working on my Architexture pattern and the Quicksilver pattern. Both have been moving slowly as I am busy with house work. I was able to knit outside on our deck for a few hours with my little buddy, Madison.
I am linking up with Ginny today! Thanks for stopping by!

Monday, May 23, 2016

TJBTM: School can be cruel

Childhood is a time for learning. Learning in many different ways. I remember looking back and remembering how naive I was. My world was so small. It was all I knew. As time passed, I grew up. Experienced new things. Formed my own opinions and had different stages along the way in which I grew. Experiences shaped my personality. I am who today the product of my experiences of the past.

One experience was not so great. Sorry, many were great, but not this one. I was in 8th grade. I was just starting to feel part of the in-crowd. Making friends, hanging out, and feeling good about myself. Then people changed, they started calling me names... I  had no idea where this was coming from. They changed my name from Desiree to Lesiree; Assuming I was gay and that was something to make fun of me for. I had no idea where or why this happened. I told my mom I was sick when the rumor became strong and was on everyone's mind. I tried explaining to others I was suffering and I was not sure what to do. However, at the experienced age of 13, I was not good at communicating or explaining my feelings. People did not want to be seen talking to me either. I was that kid. It was a week before the summer break. As I walked outside to the bleachers at a school assembly people yelled Lesiree and one person even spit on me. It was the most degrading feeling in my life. If I could make it a week I could get through this. I knew lunch and free times were the worst. I had no one to sit with at the lunch table. I had no one to talk too during free time. I hid in the bathroom. Ate my lunch in the empty classrooms. I found out a certain girl who was popular started the rumor. I had no idea why people would believe her but it spread so fast. I had literally no one to talk too. I was desperate. At that age I did not know much of the world outside of school. School really consumed me and well, I thought maybe the best way out was to take my life. I did not try or make a plan it but it was a thought. It was a way to escape all of the negativity and sadness. I never told anyone until 5 months ago. It felt good to tell someone that yes I struggled but I got through it. I am so glad I did. There is so much more to life than school and petty shit. Everyone has experiences that make us question our ability to go forward. It is our strength, support, love, character and many other things that can get us through those tough phases.

The rest of my school years were tough. The rumor came up even through my senior year. I never had dates in my school. I never really had an in group. I never felt like I belonged and I tried so hard to find the right group. I found friends and I felt like I was accepted my senior year by a group of people. I worked so hard never to upset them or lose them. But at a cost of losing myself trying to please others. Overall, the most important thing I learned from the experience is I survived. I did not take my life and I am living a great life now. While in the moment, life may seem not worth it. But it's perspective and moving forward is the only direction life can go if we chose to live it.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016


The past year has been a whirlwind. The biggest change was the purchase of our first home. I love the freedom to decorate, paint, and update whatever you want. I have rented my entire life and all I can say is I am sick of white walls!! However, our first home was in great condition and really we loved everything about it. We did not repaint anything. Over the months, the house still felt like we were renting someone else's home.
I think there are a few ways to fix this problem. Basically, I needed to add decor of our own. Over the past months we have slowly added different pieces of art work all over the house. We just added wall decor and rugs to the downstairs. Today we even added a fish tank. These small additions are our reflections of us.
The second (and most important) factor is making memories. I believe this will be our home once we make more memories. Only time can fix that. I remember the first time we trimmed our own trees and decided how to landscape the backyard. This was something I never thought I would need to do but in the end it was a great adventure for me and my husband. This winter we are thinking about hosting the big family Christmas celebration. I will be thrilled for everyone to join us and host a warm and welcoming party.
In short, part of my anxiety lately stems from my lack of identity. Changes and fluxes in life can leave one questioning your core values and identity. A safe place or home is a place where you can be you, without guilt or judgement. When your environment is changed that comfort is (temporarily) lost. I am exited to have the comfort and feeling back.

WIP Wednesday: Achitexture

Hello knitters. I hope you are having a great hump day. I am excited to share my update with you. I have been working (slowly) on the Achitexture pattern by Jennifer Weissman.  I love this pattern. It is well written and full of changes. I am a bit bored with my plain socks so this adds a twist to my knitting.

As for reading, I have been mixing it up a bit. I moved to more of a comedy book. I love the Mindy Project show so I started reading Mindy Kalings books, Is everyone hanging out with out me? and Why not me? I finished her first book within 4 days and now I cannot put the second one down. I hope I can find other writers with the same style. 

This morning I took a quick picture with my little man before we headed out the door. He is so cute and sweet. I am so proud of him.
I am linking up with Ginny. I cannot wait to see what everyone has on their needles.

Monday, May 9, 2016

TJBTM: Reflection

Today is interesting. I find myself over-thinking and going nowhere. I feel it is time to let go and move forward. Accept that I am me and that is all I need to be. I will not let anxiety control my favorite hobbies or prevent me from loving the world around me. I think everyday I become stronger and more prepared to set limits to prevent any anxiety overload again.

I found out two of my proposals were not funded. Of course this is very common but still sad none the less. I wrote these in hope of improving moral and environment at work. I believe creating a community of learners welcoming for everyone. I am very passionate about doing this. However, this is also the same stressor that caused my mind to not find rest. It is a big problem and I cannot solely fix it. Part of me is glad it was not funded because the amount of work associated with the proposal.

I am learning that life is more important than success and it takes time to make these dramatic changes. It takes a whole community as well, not a sole member. I will continue to be an advocate for change but I will not take sole responsibility.

Finally, I have been scare to do simple tasks. If I let my mind rest, it could wander. However, this is no way to live. Give in to the anxiety, nope... That is just not an option. I just decided to give it time and try one thing at a time. Every step forward is a success and milestone. I was nervous but in the end everything was fine. I have to say without the love and constant support of my husband, I may not have felt this way. As time goes on I will continue to move forward and keep trying additional things to and get back to my life.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

TJBTM: Reinstating the status quo

Hello all. I hope this entry finds you well.

I have been thinking. (Probably over-)thinking a lot lately about life and how I got to the point where I could not handle my anxiety. How did the level get so high? How do I prevent this from happening again?

First of all, I am a complete pushover. Not in a bad way (or so I thought). I will bend over backwards to make someone else happy. I will go the extra mile to make sure you know you are appreciated and loved. I believe everyone should feel good about themselves and if not, I try to help them out as much as possible. While this is important for your close friends and family, it is impossible to maintain for everyone you interact with! (Lesson 1) It is clear to me, I do not give with the expectation of receiving. However, when down in the dumps it is important to have the relationships work to help improve yourself as well. With most close relationships this is how it works. Not always though. It is time in my life to figure out what relations are actually true friends and which are just beneficial for the other person. It seems selfish and rude to me now. But I believe it is a boundary that I never created for myself and should have. (Lesson 2)

The nature of why I give so much... I think that stems from the need to belong. I have spent many years trying to be "popular" or in the "in crowd". I cherish the relationships I have and worry I could lose them if I do not put in 110%. However, the questions I need to ask are "Is the relationship worth it? Does the person on the other end really appreciate me? Is this a friendship or am I being taken advantage of?"

The answer can be scary because I feel like I need constant approval. Also realizing someone is just using you is hard to handle. Especially when they are close to you. I need to create new boundary in which I am happy and can maintain. The new boundary will be hard to maintain but in the long run it will be helpful and I have to do this. For me and for my son. I do not want him to have an example of a mom who has no backbone. It is time to put my health and family first. Gah, I just hope I am strong enough to do this.