I decided to take some time off work and reflect. My plan was to just relax. Well, my mind does not stop which is the up and downside of anxiety. The first day off, I put a two coats of stain on the deck pillars and hauled the old deck boards away by 9 am. Then, work needed somethings done. Overall, the first day was extremely productive but in all the wrong ways. The next two days were the same as followed. Finally, I sit here perplexed.
The old me, before the panic attack never saw the relaxing and rest as a need therefore I pushed until the limits. I knew how to do that. I did it for years. I feel comfortable with that routine. That is the familiar to me. People know that is who I am. Now, I need rest, relaxation and me time and it is causing a ripple affect in my life. I know the right answer is to set a new status quo and to keep to it. But I can do the old me, I can work and push myself to the limits and be whatever everyone wants. I felt loved then, people talk to me as the need something from me. However, as I stopped being the push over, my friend stopped seeing the value of me. Therefore, I am lonely.
The loneliness leads to doubt, pain and more anxiety.It is embarrassing to me to need people so bad.... Ugh, I am not sure the right answer or what type of friend I am.... It is a vicious cycle of over thinking and analyzing. However, it is a hard one and I am struggling. Exercise and routine is what I need to get through this "meh" time. Here is to a day where I do not feel strong but I feel like there is still hope.