Knittwitt Knitter

Friday, December 30, 2016

New Years and What is Next

Hello all.

I hope this post finds you well. It has been a blur the past few months. At work I have several collaborations end and submitted for publication. A successful year none the less but a lot of changes. I would like to reflect on my personal and professional goals.

Personally, I would like to be the friend to others that I am searching for. Helpful, dependable, and not needy or take more than I give. I am also interested in being a supportive mom. Every hockey game, educational needs/advances, and more active at home. This will be achieved by my own increase in energy by taking slow (baby steps) to a better health. I love running in the cold. However, I stopped because I could not master the skill. However, I do not need to master it, I am not an Olympian, all I need is to do it for the energy and endorphins. Finally, the past year has been the best of our marriage. I would like to keep this going in a positive direction. Listening to my partner, communicating concerns before they become a huge pile of angst.

Professionally, I would like to continue to support and help graduate students while expanding my collaborations. I teach in the spring, I would like to redesign my course. Making the material relate-able to specific research projects to show the value in techniques.

These are large goals with much work ahead of me. However, there is no penalty for failure or retrying as many times as necessary. Any changes in the right direction are good and will help with all goals. Plus, if I do make all these changes, I will have nothing left for 2017.

Good luck to all with your resolutions.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

WIP Wednesday: Oct 5, 2016

Hello knitters.

Here in the midwest, the leaves are changing colors, the smell of burning leaves is in the air and the temperatures are falling fast. October is here. I love this time of year because I find it so calming. My husband loves everything pumpkin so he is in pure heaven right now. All we can do is soak up as much fall as we can before ole man winter shows ups.

We spent the past weekend celebrating Oktoberfest in La Crosse, WI. We try to make this event every year. I love the Maple Leaf Parade. We run into so many friends and family along the parade route. Then we send my son off to grandmas and do some bar hopping. Finally, we end the day with Big Al's pizza and a fire. It is a long but fun day. We drove home the next day and surprised a dear friend of mine with a birthday party. We had Mexican food, homemade guacamole, and margaritas. After a full weekend, we were all asleep before our heads hit the pillow.

As for knitting, we were able to finish the beer mitts for Oktoberfest. Everyone enjoyed their mitt and I am sure I will have plenty to make for next year.
I kept a grey mitt for myself. Somehow my husband lost his in the shuffle. I love this little keepsake to remember the event. One dear friend, Joey, I see every year at Oktoberfest. Joey and I go way back. I met Joe in Kindergarten. He was my reading partner. We have remained friends ever since.

You can see Joe with his family and sporting his beer mitt.

The whole weekend was filled with fun and I am so glad to have these moments in my life and great people all around. EIEIEI O! Happy Oktoberfest.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Five on Friday

Hi everyone.

I hope this post finds you well. We have been busy here. Last weekend we visited some friends and hung out all weekend. The air was crisp as we enter fall, we sat knitting while the kids ran and played. We ate good food, laughed and enjoyed each others company. I am saddened that my best friend moved but we are keeping our relationship strong by long phone calls and long weekend visits.

 During our visit we went to the Riverfront Museum.
 Two buddies reuniting.
 A big stick bug discovered by the kiddos.
Eating salmon and trying to maintain better habits.
A new sock for my boy. He picked out this bright skein while visiting friends.

After many emotional months and a journey into my own past, I have realized I am moving in the right direction. Healing takes a while for any wound but realizing there is a wound is the first step. I feel like I have been carrying bagage from my past. Addressing the emotions and feelings at the time was not possible due to my age, knowledge and lack of experiences. As I raise my child these issues and memories are surfacing. However, the emotions are different. I realize my past is just that, a past. I will address the emotion, let it flow and move forward. I will not let it overwhelm me or take control of my future. 


Wednesday, September 7, 2016

TJBTM: Creatures of Habit

Hello all.

I sit here thinking. Not able to really grasp life and relax. The fall semester started and confusion is in the air. A new year of graduate students seem more confused and overwhelmed compared to the last 5 years I have been here. In addition, we have lost several coworkers due to the climate and better offers at other universities. While changes can lead to a bright future, I am dreading the time it will take to get there. The tension and climate is at a breaking point. Everyone is stressed and pushed to their limits. Looking at it from a positive point of view, I believe everyone is extremely impressed with the ability for the department to thrive while all of the changes unfold.
Home life is just as chaotic. I feel very torn between being a mom and a wife. The rolls are very different and for a long time I was just the mom. Balancing a career, child in school and a marriage is something I want to come naturally but seems to always take more effort than I expected. I love my family and all my different rolls, I am just learning how to prioritize and let little things go.
My son changed schools from last year to this because we bought a home. He is not happy at his new school or the after school care he receives. This really pulls at my heart strings. I am hoping he will adjust and find things that make him happy to be at his new environment but currently it really is making me question our move.
Finally, I am struggling hard with taking a healthier approach to life. I want to be social and have time to see friends. However, to maintain a healthy eating habits I have to be in the kitchen preparing our meals and planing out grocery shopping for a lot of my free time.
It would be easier if I was a millionaire and could just pay someone to do it all for me. I could just read to my son and eat the already cut up fruit. BUT since I am clearly not a millionaire. I will struggle and find a balance, get in a groove and before you know it, we may have a routine down. Well, that is the plan at least.

WIP Wednesday

Hi Knitters.

I hope this post finds you well. We have been super busy soaking up as much sun as we can before the cold WI winter returns. Two weeks ago, we went to Rapid City South Dakota. We had a great time sight seeing. The Black Hills were my favorite part. We also were in a traffic jam of buffaloes at Custer National Park. It was amazing and I think N had a great time just being before school started.

N started first grade last week. What a change. There is more routine and he is struggling a bit to get energized. I feel within a few more days he will have it down.

 I was able to get a bit of knitting done in the car. Most evenings I was exhausted and headed straight to bed. The library emailed me before the trip with my requested fulfilled. I was able to take Knitlandia on the trip with me. I am almost done and enjoying every bit of it.
 It is almost time for Oktoberfest and we love to spend time with all of our friends. I decided to make beer stein mitts for everyone. Of course it is crunch time and I need to knit like 5 more! Plus, I need to make all of the thumbs and tons of ends to tie in! Eeek!

This past weekend we spent time in New Glarus, WI. We saw the brewery and toured the town. It is definitely a cute place to visit.

Enjoy your week knitters.

Friday, August 12, 2016

Five on Friday: A little of this and that

Hello all.

It has been a while since I posted. Not because my mind and thoughts are going but more because I love summer and in WI you have to get as much as you can while it lasts. I work at UW-Madison and it is the time of the year where people are buzzing. Students move in Monday and campus will be busy soon again. While tackling my work load I have found the preparedness to be the best tool for looking ahead.

November, I will go to Raleigh, NC for a conference and hopefully some sight seeing in the evening! I am looking forward to the trip as I have never been to Raleigh. October is recruiting, always a busy and fast month. For fun, we run away to La Crosse for Oktoberfest. I am currently knitting beer gloves for all of our friends and family this year.

As for life in general, I am still moving forward but a little slower than I would like. I spent the weekend in Tampa, FL watching my niece and nephew for a few days while their parents had a trip. It was the best opportunity to get to know these kids and have quality time since they are so far away. However, this is the longest I have been apart from my own son. I started to feel very anxious the day before I left. The morning by myself with the kiddos, I cried for 10 mins in the bathroom trying to figure out what my emotions meant. Basically, I missed my family and it was going to be a while until I see them. However, I can do this. I have a great opportunity and had a blast the rest of the weekend. Thinking about this event more, I realized that my anxiety is not straight forward. I was anxious and I thought it was because I could not handle two kids for 4 days on my own. In in reality, I was just missing my family. Once I realized the emotion, it was like instant relief. Anxiety literally fell from my body and I was at peace. Yes, I am sad that I am away from my family however, everyone is fine and I need to take this opportunity with my niece and nephew and bond with them.

 My niece and nephew at Johnny Rocketes.
 My niece and I while H sleeps.

Maybe this is a key way to move forward, instead of taking the anxiety at face value look and search my emotions to understand my true feelings.

Of course I was able to visit 2 yarn stores while in FL. I had a wonderful time. I am a huge fan of The Fiber Seed yarn and I bought another skein for myself.
New yarn from Fiber Seed purchased at Roxy's Yarn.

I finished the weekend with knitting in the airport. Another blogger discussed how she knits a pair of socks for her kids every year on the first day of school. I love this idea and decided to start the tradition with N. 
Knitting N's first grade socks while in the airport.

Enjoy your weekend my loves.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

TJBTM: Catching the Spiral

Anxiety is just anxiety. It is just a thought of, take a step back and think before acting. However, it becomes difficult when one fears of the outcome anxiety is trying to prevent. For example, early cave man days, a man could walk to the edge of a cliff. Anxiety says, hey back up.... and you do so to save your life. This is a way we can "listen" to our inner self and prevent tragedy. Again, do not go down that dark alley by yourself late at night, go the long way... and so forth.

I have a trip planned this week to head to FL and babysit some family. I am so excited. As the weekend draws near, anxiety started to find a way in. I started to worry about not knowing any other adult in the city. What if... this, what if that.... of course all of the scenarios in my head were bad. My mind became taxed and my spiral began.

As the day progressed, I decided what if something equally likely but extremely wonderful happened. For example, a stranger gave me 10 million dollars on the street. How is that any less likely than me passing out for some unknown reason and no one there to help with the kiddos? Either are both unlikely and not something to worry. Once you add probability and not just possibility, anxiety loses the strength to tax the mind and control ones fear. At least in my case, the logic helps ease the worry.

Instead, I am doing things within my control. Planning activities, places to see and memories to make. Today I stopped the spiral and it feels really good.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

WIP Wednesday

Hello knitters.

It has been a fun, heartfelt and exhausting weekend. First we traveled 5 hours last Friday for a graduation party. A dear family member is done with high school and off to the next phase of his journey. We wished him all the luck in the world and will always be here to support him along the way. He is a exemplary young man and I hope my son turns out just as awesome.
N and C, 2013

On Sunday, we rushed back home to meet my sister-in-law and family. We spent time visiting the zoo, splash parks and local hot spots. Throughout the whole time, my niece and nephew got to know our family a bit better and we bonded for a long time. After the third day, we said our "See you laters" and headed home to a quiet house. Gosh, what a great few days.

S, N and H, 2016
Alright, back to the knitting.  I started a second Azel Sweater for a friend's daughter. I love my homemade stitch marker. 
 Finally, I am reading The Yarn Whisper. It is written by the same author as Knitladia, Clara Parkes. So far, I am in love. I have put a hold on Knitladia at the library and cannot wait to dive in.

Have a great week knitters. Linking up with Ginny

Friday, July 1, 2016

Five on Friday

Hello all. I hope this post finds you well and happy.

I am doing well. My family and I are looking forward to a quick trip for the 4th of July. Campfires, boat rides and family time is in our future.

Here is my 5:

 We spent many hours redoing our deck in May and June. Now we are finally reaping the benefits. I am working on some socks in the Monkey pattern using Tosh Sock in the Ginseng colorway. I love LOVE love this pattern. It is simple, quick and beautiful. I had some issues with the yarn pooling on the foot however, I think I have taken care of that! Maybe next week, these will be done. (That could be wishful thinking.
 Here is the gang for one last picture before one family leaves to start their new journeys. These kids have hung out and been friends for the last 5 years. Clearly, they have a great time together and these events in our lives will be dearly missed.
 Here are the moms. We met through our daycare and became friends quickly. My dear friend L on the right moved on Monday. Her hubby took a job as a pediatrician 3 hours away. While our twice a week, last minute dinners are out of the question, we at least get to visit for a whole weekend at a time. Plus we have already starting emailing a lot to stay in contact. 
 I have always wondered about the benefits of having only one child. For some reason, I believe you here more negative than positive so I thought I should read about.
The past week, my husband and I have decided to get back into shape. We work out for 30 mins together and try to tackle our eating habits. So far, I feel better and have smaller black circles under my eyes. Hopefully, I can stick to it ;)

Here is more 5 on Friday.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

TJBTM: What I want to be when I grow up

As of April, I have changed my reading and tv habits. I stopped watching my favorite shows and reading my favorite novels. They were usually about crimes, murders and scary events. I loved the science behind the show Bones and watched every week. However, my anxiety attacked me personally and these shows made me very scared.

Last week, I went back to my usual novels. I realized I like the dynamic between the lead characters and the journey of their relationship. I was still sensitive to the crime and murder so I had to quit. Tonight, I tried watching a new episode of Bones. It was not scary and it was actually a episode very different from their normal scripts. The episode was still about solving a murder but it also was about a a person following them to make a documentary about their relationship between the FBI and Bones. At the end of the episode, they asked each character what they wanted to be when they grow up. I found this very fun and interesting.

I guess from a young age I knew I was going to be a scientist. I am not sure what age I knew to be a chemist. Heck, I do not know if I should be one now.. but that is another story. Making the decision to go to graduate school was easy. I figured out I wanted to know more about my field and have a deeper understanding about our world. I thrive to learn something new everyday. I love school. I love figuring things out and understanding phenomena at a deeper level. Honestly, when I retire I told my husband I want to work at FedEx. Think about how well organized and thought out a company has to be to guarantee an item to be anywhere in the world within 24 hours. Impressive and I want to know how. I also want to work at an airport. That is another example of a "well-oiled machine"!

I want to learn not only more about science and chemistry but about life. The saying we are only human really resonates with me.  We are allowed and expected to make mistakes however we should learn from them. We are fortunate to have the ability to not only analyze our mistakes but to adapt. I realized I am too robotic and I do not feel things. I bottle things up until the dam is at its breaking point. Now that I have identified the issue, I feel the way to adapt is to slow down in life and feel the emotion. I may not understand what I am feeling but I will give the emotion it's 5 minutes of fame and move on. Hopefully releasing pressure from a the dam.

Friday, June 24, 2016

Five on Friday

Hello. This is my first Five on Friday Post.

One: I bought yarn at my LYS trunk show of madlinetosh. I cannot wait to cast on these socks. However, I will finish a few more projects before I do. Well, at least that is the goal.
 Two: We are enjoying the deck and time outside. Every night (weather permitting) my husband and I have a 20-30 minute talk about life, the day and us. It has been the best improvement to our home.
 Three: Saved this little guy from my dogs. Hopefully he will stay cute from a distance :)
 Four: My current WIP. The Quicksilver shawl. I have only one last section!!! Hopefully, this will be done by the end of the day.... Fingers crossed.
 Five: I finished my nieces Azel Sweater. It was a super fast and easy project. However, there are several mistakes in the patter which is frustrating.
Thank you for stopping by and joining Five on Friday. More Five on Friday  can be found here.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

TJBTM: The Meh's and Exercise

I decided to take some time off work and reflect. My plan was to just relax. Well, my mind does not stop which is the up and downside of anxiety. The first day off, I put a two coats of stain on the deck pillars and hauled the old deck boards away by 9 am. Then, work needed somethings done. Overall, the first day was extremely productive but in all the wrong ways. The next two days were the same as followed. Finally, I sit here perplexed.

The old me, before the panic attack never saw the relaxing and rest as a need therefore I pushed until the limits. I knew how to do that. I did it for years. I feel comfortable with that routine. That is the familiar to me. People know that is who I am. Now, I need rest, relaxation and me time and it is causing a ripple affect in my life. I know the right answer is to set a new status quo and to keep to it. But I can do the old me, I can work and push myself to the limits and be whatever everyone wants. I felt loved then, people talk to me as the need something from me. However, as I stopped being the push over, my friend stopped seeing the value of me. Therefore, I am lonely.

The loneliness leads to doubt, pain and more anxiety.It is embarrassing to me to need people so bad.... Ugh, I am not sure the right answer or what type of friend I am....  It is a vicious cycle of over thinking and analyzing. However, it is a hard one and I am struggling. Exercise and routine is what I need to get through this "meh" time. Here is to a day where I do not feel strong but I feel like there is still hope.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

WIP Wednesday

Sorry, I am late to the party! Joining Ginny's Yarn along today.

This is a bit of a weird post. The past couple of weeks I have been working really hard to getting my knitting spot ready. We bought our first home last October and wanted to replace the deck. The deck was in bad condition and really needed new floor boards and a new stain job.

Here you can see our little buddy on the nasty old boards.
I took a couple of days off of work, sanded the rails and spindles. After I stained them the deck was starting to show some promise. I also stained new boards in the garage.

 Finally we put in the new boards and added some furniture.
 Lets just say this is my favorite place to knit and just be.
 Enjoy your week!

Monday, June 13, 2016

TJBTM: Acceptance, family and community

Wow, two posts in one day. Yep, I am having an emotional day. Watch out :)

I struggle. I struggle with acceptance. I know why but I am stuck. I cannot get over it. Basically, I am adopted. Everyone says it was a chance for a better life. While this is true, it is also the bitter fact that someone gave you away. I have always been told to feel grateful and thankful for this second chance and that it is true sacrifice to give up a child. I cannot imagine this sacrifice. I do feel thankful and lucky to be given a chance to thrive. However, that is not all I feel. I am angry and confused. To the best of my knowledge, I was left in a basket outside only days old. I have no idea where or why.

I feel like this longing to be accepted, to not lose anyone and maintain relationships at any cost is due to the fact I was abandoned at a young age. I struggled making friends, finding my place within a community. Now, after a long and over due reflection, I feel like I am just this person, an empty shell who is here to please others. I have no idea sometimes who I am.

I know one thing. I am a survivor. An abandoned child left, a person who tried so hard to find friends and yet struggled to know what a good friend truly is, the idea of suicide because I was not worth it.... all of this is in my past. And that is where I am going to make it stay. I want to be strong, work through my anger of past events, fears of being left all alone and not worth saving so I can move forward and love myself for who I am. I am worth being here and there is only one of me.

I know true friends, family and love. It is worth fighting for and pulling through the extreme lows in life. I feel we can not truly feel bliss until we have felt absolute pain.

TJBTM: Who cares?

Something I have struggled with for a long time is deciding who's opinion matters. In my last post, I discussed the event with my dad on vacation. At my age then I was not strong or wise enough to realize that the jeweler's opinion does not matter. The older I get, the more I realize the amount of people's opinion I should value, is a very small subset of who I currently have.

Currently, I care about every opinion stated about me. This is a ridiculous and impossible standard to keep up.  Thinking about who should be on the list is very different based on what the opinion is covering. For example, my work and productivity should be judged by my colleagues and management. In addition, I also care a great deal about my students and their opinions. However, I will not really seek any personal opinions or insight from them. Just like, I will not look for my work performance standards from my knitting friends. There are appropriate and useful opinions that can better oneself and help us grow. Beyond that, it can just be nonsense and unrealistic suggestions founded by naive opinions.

The person who I value their opinion the most about personal growth, happiness and life advice is my dear family and close friends. I believe we are family and friends because we have the same morals and goals. We have had similar dreams but different experiences which can lead to helpful insight for each other. 

Setting this new idea into practice. This weekend we attended a baseball game. It was a lot of fun! We were celebrating my husband's birthday with our family and his parents. My husband is a Starwars fan and as such, we decided to go to the Starwars day at the ball park. While leaving the stadium, everyone I was with used the restroom and I waited outside. A man came up to me and touched my arm to get my attention. He said you look like "Chewbacca", where is your mask.... He was clearly drunk however I was hurt by the comment. My first reaction was I must stand out of a crowd that much for him to say that to me?? However, after the car ride home thinking, I came to the conclusion I had a great weekend. Why let one comment from a complete stranger, who's opinion does not matter to me ruin my day. I won't. I will just move forward and not care. Instead, I will tell you I had a great time and love my family so much. That will define the weekend.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

TJBTM: A Trip Out West with my Dad

One event in my life that I never forgot was a road trip with my dad. It was at a weird time in life when I was becoming a teenager and in my dad's own way he wanted to build our relationship. As you may or may not know, I am adopted. My father is white and I am not. I forget often that I am not white and socially do not see myself different from my family in appearance even though it is obvious we are not of the same nationality.

 My dad and I celebrating my birthday, 2014

We hopped in the truck early morning and decided to drive as far as we could. Somewhere in South Dakota we pulled over for the night. The first weird incident was the hotel. The hotel had a single bed and they were confused why I needed my own bed. My dad has was tired from the drive and it became heated fast that the room was not what he had requested. One roll-away bed later, everything seemed fine. The next morning we woke up to a flat tire. This was annoying but fixed pretty fast and we made it to Wyoming that evening. My dad was trying to make the trip enjoyable so he asked if we wanted to go shopping. He wanted to get my mom something as well so we went to a local jewelry store. The sales person there started talking with my father and my dad explained he wanted to get something for his wife. The sales person assumed that was me. Instantly, I felt naked. I felt disgust and uncomfortable. How could someone think that I was my dad's wife. EWE! My dad is not the emotional type. He was like no that is my daughter and moved on. I was so upset and very unclear why I looked like I could be his wife. I was around the age of 14... Ewe.

The trip was 7-8 days long. The rest of the trip I stayed in the truck. My dad did not understand why I excluded myself. I would not go shopping, or hiking or anywhere. I literally sat in the truck while he visited all of the sites. It is still unclear to me why I did not tell my dad how uncomfortable I was. I am not sure why I could not get over the sale's persons mistake. All I knew was people saw me and my dad as some sick relationship. I was crushed. My dad became annoyed by my lack of participation. I really wanted this trip to be something fun but I could not fix it. I know in the end it was silly and a mistake but it was how I was perceived by the outside.

Writing about this experience helps me with clarity and understanding. I too have a son and he is not adopted. However, he is fair skinned and I am darker. People ask me about the difference especially when we lived in the South. However, I address it when it happens and explain to my son people can be naive and cruel without intentions. For example, while getting my son from after school another child asked if I was his mom. He said I don't look like him. I explained I am his mom and we do look like just not the same skin color. I do not want my son to have the negative experience I had and I feel the best way to prevent an issue is by addressing the problem and talking through it. At this point, my little man does not seem to care. I hope he continues to feel that way.

A side by side photo of my son and I at roughly the same age
(I think we look pretty similar)

Friday, June 3, 2016

TJBTM: Therapy and the journey forward.

Hello. Over the past few months I have been experiencing new emotions. Anxiety at extreme levels.  I knew I needed help. I have been talking with a therapist weekly before and now bi-weekly about the next steps.
This past weekend was a ridiculous amount of stressors. Little things that added up. I knew that everyone has stressors and deals with them differently. How come when I experience them, I have massive anxiety and lose myself? My therapist explained what was going on through an example. Lets say you are having the worst day ever, many things going wrong and then you accidentally drop and break a glass. The broken glass on any other day would not be a big deal but today with everything you are dealing with it is all it takes for you to lose it and start crying. There is an emotional "cost" with these events that you have to pay.
Over the years, I have had many events occur. However, I never paid the emotional cost associated with events. I never sat down and let the tears follow so I could move forward and get on with life. Now whenever the "glass breaks" I crumble because of all the other emotional events I have holding in. I feel like the Hoover Dam and I am going to crack. I need to think about these past experiences (especially now when I am learning to heal and move forward) and let the tears flow. I apologize now but the next few weeks (or longer) will be blog posts that make me feel something. While all the post may not be bad experiences, I know I will be crying either tears of joy or sadness to be able to move forward. I hope if you are having trouble with anxiety or moving forward this journey will help you as well.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

WIP Wednesday

Hello knitters.

Just a quick post today. I have been working on my Architexture pattern and the Quicksilver pattern. Both have been moving slowly as I am busy with house work. I was able to knit outside on our deck for a few hours with my little buddy, Madison.
I am linking up with Ginny today! Thanks for stopping by!

Monday, May 23, 2016

TJBTM: School can be cruel

Childhood is a time for learning. Learning in many different ways. I remember looking back and remembering how naive I was. My world was so small. It was all I knew. As time passed, I grew up. Experienced new things. Formed my own opinions and had different stages along the way in which I grew. Experiences shaped my personality. I am who today the product of my experiences of the past.

One experience was not so great. Sorry, many were great, but not this one. I was in 8th grade. I was just starting to feel part of the in-crowd. Making friends, hanging out, and feeling good about myself. Then people changed, they started calling me names... I  had no idea where this was coming from. They changed my name from Desiree to Lesiree; Assuming I was gay and that was something to make fun of me for. I had no idea where or why this happened. I told my mom I was sick when the rumor became strong and was on everyone's mind. I tried explaining to others I was suffering and I was not sure what to do. However, at the experienced age of 13, I was not good at communicating or explaining my feelings. People did not want to be seen talking to me either. I was that kid. It was a week before the summer break. As I walked outside to the bleachers at a school assembly people yelled Lesiree and one person even spit on me. It was the most degrading feeling in my life. If I could make it a week I could get through this. I knew lunch and free times were the worst. I had no one to sit with at the lunch table. I had no one to talk too during free time. I hid in the bathroom. Ate my lunch in the empty classrooms. I found out a certain girl who was popular started the rumor. I had no idea why people would believe her but it spread so fast. I had literally no one to talk too. I was desperate. At that age I did not know much of the world outside of school. School really consumed me and well, I thought maybe the best way out was to take my life. I did not try or make a plan it but it was a thought. It was a way to escape all of the negativity and sadness. I never told anyone until 5 months ago. It felt good to tell someone that yes I struggled but I got through it. I am so glad I did. There is so much more to life than school and petty shit. Everyone has experiences that make us question our ability to go forward. It is our strength, support, love, character and many other things that can get us through those tough phases.

The rest of my school years were tough. The rumor came up even through my senior year. I never had dates in my school. I never really had an in group. I never felt like I belonged and I tried so hard to find the right group. I found friends and I felt like I was accepted my senior year by a group of people. I worked so hard never to upset them or lose them. But at a cost of losing myself trying to please others. Overall, the most important thing I learned from the experience is I survived. I did not take my life and I am living a great life now. While in the moment, life may seem not worth it. But it's perspective and moving forward is the only direction life can go if we chose to live it.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016


The past year has been a whirlwind. The biggest change was the purchase of our first home. I love the freedom to decorate, paint, and update whatever you want. I have rented my entire life and all I can say is I am sick of white walls!! However, our first home was in great condition and really we loved everything about it. We did not repaint anything. Over the months, the house still felt like we were renting someone else's home.
I think there are a few ways to fix this problem. Basically, I needed to add decor of our own. Over the past months we have slowly added different pieces of art work all over the house. We just added wall decor and rugs to the downstairs. Today we even added a fish tank. These small additions are our reflections of us.
The second (and most important) factor is making memories. I believe this will be our home once we make more memories. Only time can fix that. I remember the first time we trimmed our own trees and decided how to landscape the backyard. This was something I never thought I would need to do but in the end it was a great adventure for me and my husband. This winter we are thinking about hosting the big family Christmas celebration. I will be thrilled for everyone to join us and host a warm and welcoming party.
In short, part of my anxiety lately stems from my lack of identity. Changes and fluxes in life can leave one questioning your core values and identity. A safe place or home is a place where you can be you, without guilt or judgement. When your environment is changed that comfort is (temporarily) lost. I am exited to have the comfort and feeling back.

WIP Wednesday: Achitexture

Hello knitters. I hope you are having a great hump day. I am excited to share my update with you. I have been working (slowly) on the Achitexture pattern by Jennifer Weissman.  I love this pattern. It is well written and full of changes. I am a bit bored with my plain socks so this adds a twist to my knitting.

As for reading, I have been mixing it up a bit. I moved to more of a comedy book. I love the Mindy Project show so I started reading Mindy Kalings books, Is everyone hanging out with out me? and Why not me? I finished her first book within 4 days and now I cannot put the second one down. I hope I can find other writers with the same style. 

This morning I took a quick picture with my little man before we headed out the door. He is so cute and sweet. I am so proud of him.
I am linking up with Ginny. I cannot wait to see what everyone has on their needles.