Childhood is a time for learning. Learning in many different ways. I remember looking back and remembering how naive I was. My world was so small. It was all I knew. As time passed, I grew up. Experienced new things. Formed my own opinions and had different stages along the way in which I grew. Experiences shaped my personality. I am who today the product of my experiences of the past.
One experience was not so great. Sorry, many were great, but not this one. I was in 8th grade. I was just starting to feel part of the in-crowd. Making friends, hanging out, and feeling good about myself. Then people changed, they started calling me names... I had no idea where this was coming from. They changed my name from Desiree to Lesiree; Assuming I was gay and that was something to make fun of me for. I had no idea where or why this happened. I told my mom I was sick when the rumor became strong and was on everyone's mind. I tried explaining to others I was suffering and I was not sure what to do. However, at the experienced age of 13, I was not good at communicating or explaining my feelings. People did not want to be seen talking to me either. I was that kid. It was a week before the summer break. As I walked outside to the bleachers at a school assembly people yelled Lesiree and one person even spit on me. It was the most degrading feeling in my life. If I could make it a week I could get through this. I knew lunch and free times were the worst. I had no one to sit with at the lunch table. I had no one to talk too during free time. I hid in the bathroom. Ate my lunch in the empty classrooms. I found out a certain girl who was popular started the rumor. I had no idea why people would believe her but it spread so fast. I had literally no one to talk too. I was desperate. At that age I did not know much of the world outside of school. School really consumed me and well, I thought maybe the best way out was to take my life. I did not try or make a plan it but it was a thought. It was a way to escape all of the negativity and sadness. I never told anyone until 5 months ago. It felt good to tell someone that yes I struggled but I got through it. I am so glad I did. There is so much more to life than school and petty shit. Everyone has experiences that make us question our ability to go forward. It is our strength, support, love, character and many other things that can get us through those tough phases.
The rest of my school years were tough. The rumor came up even through my senior year. I never had dates in my school. I never really had an in group. I never felt like I belonged and I tried so hard to find the right group. I found friends and I felt like I was accepted my senior year by a group of people. I worked so hard never to upset them or lose them. But at a cost of losing myself trying to please others. Overall, the most important thing I learned from the experience is I survived. I did not take my life and I am living a great life now. While in the moment, life may seem not worth it. But it's perspective and moving forward is the only direction life can go if we chose to live it.