Hello all. I hope this entry finds you well.
I have been thinking. (Probably over-)thinking a lot lately about life and how I got to the point where I could not handle my anxiety. How did the level get so high? How do I prevent this from happening again?
First of all, I am a complete pushover. Not in a bad way (or so I thought). I will bend over backwards to make someone else happy. I will go the extra mile to make sure you know you are appreciated and loved. I believe everyone should feel good about themselves and if not, I try to help them out as much as possible. While this is important for your close friends and family, it is impossible to maintain for everyone you interact with! (Lesson 1) It is clear to me, I do not give with the expectation of receiving. However, when down in the dumps it is important to have the relationships work to help improve yourself as well. With most close relationships this is how it works. Not always though. It is time in my life to figure out what relations are actually true friends and which are just beneficial for the other person. It seems selfish and rude to me now. But I believe it is a boundary that I never created for myself and should have. (Lesson 2)
The nature of why I give so much... I think that stems from the need to belong. I have spent many years trying to be "popular" or in the "in crowd". I cherish the relationships I have and worry I could lose them if I do not put in 110%. However, the questions I need to ask are "Is the relationship worth it? Does the person on the other end really appreciate me? Is this a friendship or am I being taken advantage of?"
The answer can be scary because I feel like I need constant approval. Also realizing someone is just using you is hard to handle. Especially when they are close to you. I need to create new boundary in which I am happy and can maintain. The new boundary will be hard to maintain but in the long run it will be helpful and I have to do this. For me and for my son. I do not want him to have an example of a mom who has no backbone. It is time to put my health and family first. Gah, I just hope I am strong enough to do this.