Wow, two posts in one day. Yep, I am having an emotional day. Watch out :)
I struggle. I struggle with acceptance. I know why but I am stuck. I cannot get over it. Basically, I am adopted. Everyone says it was a chance for a better life. While this is true, it is also the bitter fact that someone gave you away. I have always been told to feel grateful and thankful for this second chance and that it is true sacrifice to give up a child. I cannot imagine this sacrifice. I do feel thankful and lucky to be given a chance to thrive. However, that is not all I feel. I am angry and confused. To the best of my knowledge, I was left in a basket outside only days old. I have no idea where or why.
I feel like this longing to be accepted, to not lose anyone and maintain relationships at any cost is due to the fact I was abandoned at a young age. I struggled making friends, finding my place within a community. Now, after a long and over due reflection, I feel like I am just this person, an empty shell who is here to please others. I have no idea sometimes who I am.
I know one thing. I am a survivor. An abandoned child left, a person who tried so hard to find friends and yet struggled to know what a good friend truly is, the idea of suicide because I was not worth it.... all of this is in my past. And that is where I am going to make it stay. I want to be strong, work through my anger of past events, fears of being left all alone and not worth saving so I can move forward and love myself for who I am. I am worth being here and there is only one of me.
I know true friends, family and love. It is worth fighting for and pulling through the extreme lows in life. I feel we can not truly feel bliss until we have felt absolute pain.