adoptions

I came across a Facebook post and simply I was completely annoyed, disgusted and not at all sympathetic. Here, let me give you some back story. As you may have guessed, I am adopted. I was born in India and found on the street. They have no idea my real birthday, real parents, or any history. I was taken in by a nun to an orphanage and was adopted, (by completely different looking people) at about 3 months in age. I am thankful everyday for the life I have. Clearly, the people who created me did not want to raise me. Why? Who knows? But they made a very hard and difficult decision. Am I mad, not at all... I mean, I grew up safe, loved and became a very strong individual.

Today my friend linked to this posted on her fb page:

During a discussion yesterday about the necessity of health insurance to cover infertility treatment, someone asked what was wrong with adoption.

Well, there's nothing wrong with adoption and there's a lot wrong with adoption.

First, it is not for everyone. I liken it to falling in love. You will know in your heart if and when you are ready to adopt. There isn't a timeline, like after 3 IVF cycles or after 3 years. You just have to feel it in your heart, like love, and some may never feel it.

There is a mourning process once you do decide to adopt. We mourned the fact that our children would not look like us or any of our family. We mourned the fact that my husband's family name would not carry on. I mourned the fact that I would never look in my child's eyes and see my grandma. We mourned the fact that we may not be able to name our child, see our child's first steps or hear our child's first steps. Something a lot of "normal" people probably take for granted.

For us, this mourning period too a while, and we didn't feel it at the same time. One of us was ready to adopt before the other finished mourning our biological children. We had lost 3 singletons by this time.

First we had to find a social worker who would do our home study. Since we live in a rural community this proved to be difficult and we had to travel 2 hours to find someone we could work with who was willing to make the journey out to our house for one of the 3 visits. We traveled to our social worker for the other 2 visits.

We had to turn over financial statements, letters from our employers saying they didn't plan on firing either of us any time soon, letters of reference from 5 friends and family members. We had to have physicals and finger prints taken. The entire process took about 5 months and cost about $4,000, not to mention time off of work to complete all the necessary tasks.

Due to the location of where we live, our social worker would only approve us for a child with the same ethnic background.

In the beginning, we wanted a newborn. Who wouldn't. If it wasn't going to be our biological baby, at least we could be there from the VERY beginning and not miss ANY other part of our child's existence.

The months passed. We looked at file after file. Read through list after list of birth mother's demands. I remember one file we looked at, I think the list was 27 items long. We had to make a certain income, and live a certain distance from a certain sized city. We had to both have college degrees. We had to send our child to a private school and the child would attend one of three specified ivy league universities. We could not have any biological children nor could we adopt any other children. She wanted photos of her child several times a year, as well as phone calls when the child was able... and the list went on. We expected to see a line item telling us what car we were supposed to drive. And the list goes one...

Some birth mom's want a clothing and makeup allowance, this is in addition to us paying ALL medical and living expenses. Many require an open adoption. At first we didn't have a problem with this, but then we noticed many birth moms were in prison and we didn't feel very comfortable about having an open adoption with someone who had been in prison.

As I said, we started out wanting a newborn. At some point, we paid to change our home study to include age 0-2. Later we changed to 0-6 and ultimately we would welcome up to three siblings ages 0-8. We paid for every change.

I started looking through all the children available to adopt from foster care all over the USA. I applied for literally 100s of children. I kept wondering why we weren't hearing anything. Each time I applied for a child, I had to notify our social worker and she was suppose to send the child's social worker a copy of our home study. We could not send it our selves. We paid our social worker to do this. I later found out the reason we were not getting any responses was because our social worker was NOT sending out our home study.

I also found out that there were many strings attached to the children listed as "available" on state's websites. Many had already been adopted. Many were in fact not available at all. Some could only be adopted by a blood relative. Some could only be adopted by someone who already lived within a 90 mile radius. And again, the list goes on.

One time we were matched. Four-year-old boy/girl twins and their 6-year-old brother. Wow. Awesome! We were SO excited. The girl had been bitten by their current foster mother. She'd never wanted the girl, just the boys, but most times siblings are a packaged deal. The children were removed from her care. We scrambled to figure out beds for three, how we would fit them in the car, day-care, clothing, etc. We wanted to be prepared.

The foster mom took the case to court and the children were returned to her care.

That is the closest we ever got to adopting.

During our journey to adopt, we were given 14 embryos. We were truly blessed. The most awesome gift we have ever received. We will never forget the generosity of the family who gave us such a gift.

Already in debt from years of infertility treatment, we decided we'd both cash in our retirement accounts in order to have the frozen embryos transferred.

Over the next year, and after the legal work was completed, I had 2 FET cycles. We lost twins and triplets.

After we mourned the loss of more babies, we decided to return to adoption. Certainly there was a child out there who needed us, needed all the love we have to offer.

Our home study had to be updated (more money). After finding out our social worker had quit but had not handed our file off to anyone, we were told we could no longer qualify financially to adopt and our home study was closed.

End of story.

No baby, no children. We NEVER gave up.

And then I started this page.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope it helps some of you understand adoption better. And I hope it keeps some from saying "just adopt" to infertile people.

And now you know why I hate it when someone says "just adopt."

Love and hugs,
Julie

First, adoption is a long and hard process. As it should be, you are proving you have the right to a kid and have the love and strength to raise one. However, these people clearly have missed the mark.

There is a mourning process once you do decide to adopt. We mourned the fact that our children would not look like us or any of our family. We mourned the fact that my husband's family name would not carry on. I mourned the fact that I would never look in my child's eyes and see my grandma. We mourned the fact that we may not be able to name our child, see our child's first steps or hear our child's first steps. Something a lot of "normal" people probably take for granted.

This particular part of the passage disgusts me. If you adopt a child, you treat that child as your own, because they are your child. How is the family name not carried on? Why does it matter if your kid has the same eyes as you? Its the content of a person that you love.... not the package it comes. 

Secondly, yes the adoption process is awful, long, expensive... but also extremely rewarding in the end. I can think of another thing that is hard, stressful and expensive yet rewarding.... raising a kid. So maybe, if you can't handle the process you can't handle having kids.

Guess what? Having kids is hard, finding kids a good home is too. But it is so rewarding and important. While I completely agree the term "just adopt" is wrong, belittling and so insensitive, so is the fact of mourning a kid that does not look like you.

This post maybe a bit harsh but in the end, it felt good to write. My heart does go out to families who have a hard time having kids. That is not the point. The point is an adopted child is your child and should be treated as if their were your own flesh and blood.