Planning the recharge and refocus.

 Over the past six months have been big changes in my life. Post covid. Post George Floyd. Post trauma. I lost myself. The fun, busy body woman, who loved getting my nails done. Who loved makeup and matching shoes with purses. During this time, I also found a huge life void in my life. Hungry for something but not able to find the satisfaction. Lost in food trying to find the feeling in fulfillment. Lost in my head due to busy schedules and surviving.

Inhale, count to 10, exhale. 

The past few years, I found a routine of getting through this to get to the next. I have not taken time off for a vacation in so long. A relaxing, resting and rejuvenation for reentering. I decided to schedule a long vacation to stay at home and find me. What is my plan?

1- Garden- Spend time in the dirt under the sun. Breathe fresh air and feel exhausted from the sun. Sleep sound.

2- Train my thought process to stop being on the defense. Instead find some positivity in the world. Change my outlook from bracing for the worse to welcoming something new. Wake up grateful, hopeful, and excited. Not full of dread.

3-Exercise. Full my body with strength and not sugar. I bought a book about how to exercise and maintain it. How to 

4-At a talk today, a phrase resonated with me. Instead of work-life balance, reframe for work-life integration. The two should complement each other. Make an individual stronger. Being a scientist and an educator clearly helps my son. Lightbulb moment. Take an appreciation for it. 

5-knit. Find the hobby I love and enjoy it. Under the sun. Smiling. 

6-Over the past year, maybe longer, I have felt like I wear sheets of clothing. Nothing with style. Just a sheet to cover myself and make myself proper for public. Professional so I can be taken seriously. I lost my identity and my style during the time I was surviving. 

7-Identify one new thing about myself. 

8-Discover what motivates me. Why do I do what I do?

9- Practice release of materialistic lifestyle. I do not need stuff. I need experiences, memories and smiles.

10-Breathe. Take time to breathe and slow life down a bit. 

Here is to self discovery. You do you and I'll be me.

New Years and What is Next

Hello all.

I hope this post finds you well. It has been a blur the past few months. At work I have several collaborations end and submitted for publication. A successful year none the less but a lot of changes. I would like to reflect on my personal and professional goals.

Personally, I would like to be the friend to others that I am searching for. Helpful, dependable, and not needy or take more than I give. I am also interested in being a supportive mom. Every hockey game, educational needs/advances, and more active at home. This will be achieved by my own increase in energy by taking slow (baby steps) to a better health. I love running in the cold. However, I stopped because I could not master the skill. However, I do not need to master it, I am not an Olympian, all I need is to do it for the energy and endorphins. Finally, the past year has been the best of our marriage. I would like to keep this going in a positive direction. Listening to my partner, communicating concerns before they become a huge pile of angst.

Professionally, I would like to continue to support and help graduate students while expanding my collaborations. I teach in the spring, I would like to redesign my course. Making the material relate-able to specific research projects to show the value in techniques.

These are large goals with much work ahead of me. However, there is no penalty for failure or retrying as many times as necessary. Any changes in the right direction are good and will help with all goals. Plus, if I do make all these changes, I will have nothing left for 2017.

Good luck to all with your resolutions.

TJBTM: Creatures of Habit

Hello all.

I sit here thinking. Not able to really grasp life and relax. The fall semester started and confusion is in the air. A new year of graduate students seem more confused and overwhelmed compared to the last 5 years I have been here. In addition, we have lost several coworkers due to the climate and better offers at other universities. While changes can lead to a bright future, I am dreading the time it will take to get there. The tension and climate is at a breaking point. Everyone is stressed and pushed to their limits. Looking at it from a positive point of view, I believe everyone is extremely impressed with the ability for the department to thrive while all of the changes unfold.
Home life is just as chaotic. I feel very torn between being a mom and a wife. The rolls are very different and for a long time I was just the mom. Balancing a career, child in school and a marriage is something I want to come naturally but seems to always take more effort than I expected. I love my family and all my different rolls, I am just learning how to prioritize and let little things go.
My son changed schools from last year to this because we bought a home. He is not happy at his new school or the after school care he receives. This really pulls at my heart strings. I am hoping he will adjust and find things that make him happy to be at his new environment but currently it really is making me question our move.
Finally, I am struggling hard with taking a healthier approach to life. I want to be social and have time to see friends. However, to maintain a healthy eating habits I have to be in the kitchen preparing our meals and planing out grocery shopping for a lot of my free time.
It would be easier if I was a millionaire and could just pay someone to do it all for me. I could just read to my son and eat the already cut up fruit. BUT since I am clearly not a millionaire. I will struggle and find a balance, get in a groove and before you know it, we may have a routine down. Well, that is the plan at least.

TJBTM: Catching the Spiral

Anxiety is just anxiety. It is just a thought of, take a step back and think before acting. However, it becomes difficult when one fears of the outcome anxiety is trying to prevent. For example, early cave man days, a man could walk to the edge of a cliff. Anxiety says, hey back up.... and you do so to save your life. This is a way we can "listen" to our inner self and prevent tragedy. Again, do not go down that dark alley by yourself late at night, go the long way... and so forth.

I have a trip planned this week to head to FL and babysit some family. I am so excited. As the weekend draws near, anxiety started to find a way in. I started to worry about not knowing any other adult in the city. What if... this, what if that.... of course all of the scenarios in my head were bad. My mind became taxed and my spiral began.

As the day progressed, I decided what if something equally likely but extremely wonderful happened. For example, a stranger gave me 10 million dollars on the street. How is that any less likely than me passing out for some unknown reason and no one there to help with the kiddos? Either are both unlikely and not something to worry. Once you add probability and not just possibility, anxiety loses the strength to tax the mind and control ones fear. At least in my case, the logic helps ease the worry.

Instead, I am doing things within my control. Planning activities, places to see and memories to make. Today I stopped the spiral and it feels really good.

TJBTM: What I want to be when I grow up

As of April, I have changed my reading and tv habits. I stopped watching my favorite shows and reading my favorite novels. They were usually about crimes, murders and scary events. I loved the science behind the show Bones and watched every week. However, my anxiety attacked me personally and these shows made me very scared.

Last week, I went back to my usual novels. I realized I like the dynamic between the lead characters and the journey of their relationship. I was still sensitive to the crime and murder so I had to quit. Tonight, I tried watching a new episode of Bones. It was not scary and it was actually a episode very different from their normal scripts. The episode was still about solving a murder but it also was about a a person following them to make a documentary about their relationship between the FBI and Bones. At the end of the episode, they asked each character what they wanted to be when they grow up. I found this very fun and interesting.

I guess from a young age I knew I was going to be a scientist. I am not sure what age I knew to be a chemist. Heck, I do not know if I should be one now.. but that is another story. Making the decision to go to graduate school was easy. I figured out I wanted to know more about my field and have a deeper understanding about our world. I thrive to learn something new everyday. I love school. I love figuring things out and understanding phenomena at a deeper level. Honestly, when I retire I told my husband I want to work at FedEx. Think about how well organized and thought out a company has to be to guarantee an item to be anywhere in the world within 24 hours. Impressive and I want to know how. I also want to work at an airport. That is another example of a "well-oiled machine"!

I want to learn not only more about science and chemistry but about life. The saying we are only human really resonates with me.  We are allowed and expected to make mistakes however we should learn from them. We are fortunate to have the ability to not only analyze our mistakes but to adapt. I realized I am too robotic and I do not feel things. I bottle things up until the dam is at its breaking point. Now that I have identified the issue, I feel the way to adapt is to slow down in life and feel the emotion. I may not understand what I am feeling but I will give the emotion it's 5 minutes of fame and move on. Hopefully releasing pressure from a the dam.

TJBTM: The Meh's and Exercise

I decided to take some time off work and reflect. My plan was to just relax. Well, my mind does not stop which is the up and downside of anxiety. The first day off, I put a two coats of stain on the deck pillars and hauled the old deck boards away by 9 am. Then, work needed somethings done. Overall, the first day was extremely productive but in all the wrong ways. The next two days were the same as followed. Finally, I sit here perplexed.

The old me, before the panic attack never saw the relaxing and rest as a need therefore I pushed until the limits. I knew how to do that. I did it for years. I feel comfortable with that routine. That is the familiar to me. People know that is who I am. Now, I need rest, relaxation and me time and it is causing a ripple affect in my life. I know the right answer is to set a new status quo and to keep to it. But I can do the old me, I can work and push myself to the limits and be whatever everyone wants. I felt loved then, people talk to me as the need something from me. However, as I stopped being the push over, my friend stopped seeing the value of me. Therefore, I am lonely.

The loneliness leads to doubt, pain and more anxiety.It is embarrassing to me to need people so bad.... Ugh, I am not sure the right answer or what type of friend I am....  It is a vicious cycle of over thinking and analyzing. However, it is a hard one and I am struggling. Exercise and routine is what I need to get through this "meh" time. Here is to a day where I do not feel strong but I feel like there is still hope.

TJBTM: Acceptance, family and community

Wow, two posts in one day. Yep, I am having an emotional day. Watch out :)

I struggle. I struggle with acceptance. I know why but I am stuck. I cannot get over it. Basically, I am adopted. Everyone says it was a chance for a better life. While this is true, it is also the bitter fact that someone gave you away. I have always been told to feel grateful and thankful for this second chance and that it is true sacrifice to give up a child. I cannot imagine this sacrifice. I do feel thankful and lucky to be given a chance to thrive. However, that is not all I feel. I am angry and confused. To the best of my knowledge, I was left in a basket outside only days old. I have no idea where or why.

I feel like this longing to be accepted, to not lose anyone and maintain relationships at any cost is due to the fact I was abandoned at a young age. I struggled making friends, finding my place within a community. Now, after a long and over due reflection, I feel like I am just this person, an empty shell who is here to please others. I have no idea sometimes who I am.

I know one thing. I am a survivor. An abandoned child left, a person who tried so hard to find friends and yet struggled to know what a good friend truly is, the idea of suicide because I was not worth it.... all of this is in my past. And that is where I am going to make it stay. I want to be strong, work through my anger of past events, fears of being left all alone and not worth saving so I can move forward and love myself for who I am. I am worth being here and there is only one of me.

I know true friends, family and love. It is worth fighting for and pulling through the extreme lows in life. I feel we can not truly feel bliss until we have felt absolute pain.

TJBTM: Who cares?

Something I have struggled with for a long time is deciding who's opinion matters. In my last post, I discussed the event with my dad on vacation. At my age then I was not strong or wise enough to realize that the jeweler's opinion does not matter. The older I get, the more I realize the amount of people's opinion I should value, is a very small subset of who I currently have.

Currently, I care about every opinion stated about me. This is a ridiculous and impossible standard to keep up.  Thinking about who should be on the list is very different based on what the opinion is covering. For example, my work and productivity should be judged by my colleagues and management. In addition, I also care a great deal about my students and their opinions. However, I will not really seek any personal opinions or insight from them. Just like, I will not look for my work performance standards from my knitting friends. There are appropriate and useful opinions that can better oneself and help us grow. Beyond that, it can just be nonsense and unrealistic suggestions founded by naive opinions.

The person who I value their opinion the most about personal growth, happiness and life advice is my dear family and close friends. I believe we are family and friends because we have the same morals and goals. We have had similar dreams but different experiences which can lead to helpful insight for each other. 

Setting this new idea into practice. This weekend we attended a baseball game. It was a lot of fun! We were celebrating my husband's birthday with our family and his parents. My husband is a Starwars fan and as such, we decided to go to the Starwars day at the ball park. While leaving the stadium, everyone I was with used the restroom and I waited outside. A man came up to me and touched my arm to get my attention. He said you look like "Chewbacca", where is your mask.... He was clearly drunk however I was hurt by the comment. My first reaction was I must stand out of a crowd that much for him to say that to me?? However, after the car ride home thinking, I came to the conclusion I had a great weekend. Why let one comment from a complete stranger, who's opinion does not matter to me ruin my day. I won't. I will just move forward and not care. Instead, I will tell you I had a great time and love my family so much. That will define the weekend.

TJBTM: A Trip Out West with my Dad

One event in my life that I never forgot was a road trip with my dad. It was at a weird time in life when I was becoming a teenager and in my dad's own way he wanted to build our relationship. As you may or may not know, I am adopted. My father is white and I am not. I forget often that I am not white and socially do not see myself different from my family in appearance even though it is obvious we are not of the same nationality.

 My dad and I celebrating my birthday, 2014

We hopped in the truck early morning and decided to drive as far as we could. Somewhere in South Dakota we pulled over for the night. The first weird incident was the hotel. The hotel had a single bed and they were confused why I needed my own bed. My dad has was tired from the drive and it became heated fast that the room was not what he had requested. One roll-away bed later, everything seemed fine. The next morning we woke up to a flat tire. This was annoying but fixed pretty fast and we made it to Wyoming that evening. My dad was trying to make the trip enjoyable so he asked if we wanted to go shopping. He wanted to get my mom something as well so we went to a local jewelry store. The sales person there started talking with my father and my dad explained he wanted to get something for his wife. The sales person assumed that was me. Instantly, I felt naked. I felt disgust and uncomfortable. How could someone think that I was my dad's wife. EWE! My dad is not the emotional type. He was like no that is my daughter and moved on. I was so upset and very unclear why I looked like I could be his wife. I was around the age of 14... Ewe.

The trip was 7-8 days long. The rest of the trip I stayed in the truck. My dad did not understand why I excluded myself. I would not go shopping, or hiking or anywhere. I literally sat in the truck while he visited all of the sites. It is still unclear to me why I did not tell my dad how uncomfortable I was. I am not sure why I could not get over the sale's persons mistake. All I knew was people saw me and my dad as some sick relationship. I was crushed. My dad became annoyed by my lack of participation. I really wanted this trip to be something fun but I could not fix it. I know in the end it was silly and a mistake but it was how I was perceived by the outside.

Writing about this experience helps me with clarity and understanding. I too have a son and he is not adopted. However, he is fair skinned and I am darker. People ask me about the difference especially when we lived in the South. However, I address it when it happens and explain to my son people can be naive and cruel without intentions. For example, while getting my son from after school another child asked if I was his mom. He said I don't look like him. I explained I am his mom and we do look like just not the same skin color. I do not want my son to have the negative experience I had and I feel the best way to prevent an issue is by addressing the problem and talking through it. At this point, my little man does not seem to care. I hope he continues to feel that way.

A side by side photo of my son and I at roughly the same age

(I think we look pretty similar)

TJBTM: School can be cruel

Childhood is a time for learning. Learning in many different ways. I remember looking back and remembering how naive I was. My world was so small. It was all I knew. As time passed, I grew up. Experienced new things. Formed my own opinions and had different stages along the way in which I grew. Experiences shaped my personality. I am who today the product of my experiences of the past.

One experience was not so great. Sorry, many were great, but not this one. I was in 8th grade. I was just starting to feel part of the in-crowd. Making friends, hanging out, and feeling good about myself. Then people changed, they started calling me names... I  had no idea where this was coming from. They changed my name from Desiree to Lesiree; Assuming I was gay and that was something to make fun of me for. I had no idea where or why this happened. I told my mom I was sick when the rumor became strong and was on everyone's mind. I tried explaining to others I was suffering and I was not sure what to do. However, at the experienced age of 13, I was not good at communicating or explaining my feelings. People did not want to be seen talking to me either. I was that kid. It was a week before the summer break. As I walked outside to the bleachers at a school assembly people yelled Lesiree and one person even spit on me. It was the most degrading feeling in my life. If I could make it a week I could get through this. I knew lunch and free times were the worst. I had no one to sit with at the lunch table. I had no one to talk too during free time. I hid in the bathroom. Ate my lunch in the empty classrooms. I found out a certain girl who was popular started the rumor. I had no idea why people would believe her but it spread so fast. I had literally no one to talk too. I was desperate. At that age I did not know much of the world outside of school. School really consumed me and well, I thought maybe the best way out was to take my life. I did not try or make a plan it but it was a thought. It was a way to escape all of the negativity and sadness. I never told anyone until 5 months ago. It felt good to tell someone that yes I struggled but I got through it. I am so glad I did. There is so much more to life than school and petty shit. Everyone has experiences that make us question our ability to go forward. It is our strength, support, love, character and many other things that can get us through those tough phases.

The rest of my school years were tough. The rumor came up even through my senior year. I never had dates in my school. I never really had an in group. I never felt like I belonged and I tried so hard to find the right group. I found friends and I felt like I was accepted my senior year by a group of people. I worked so hard never to upset them or lose them. But at a cost of losing myself trying to please others. Overall, the most important thing I learned from the experience is I survived. I did not take my life and I am living a great life now. While in the moment, life may seem not worth it. But it's perspective and moving forward is the only direction life can go if we chose to live it.

TJBTM: Home

The past year has been a whirlwind. The biggest change was the purchase of our first home. I love the freedom to decorate, paint, and update whatever you want. I have rented my entire life and all I can say is I am sick of white walls!! However, our first home was in great condition and really we loved everything about it. We did not repaint anything. Over the months, the house still felt like we were renting someone else's home.
I think there are a few ways to fix this problem. Basically, I needed to add decor of our own. Over the past months we have slowly added different pieces of art work all over the house. We just added wall decor and rugs to the downstairs. Today we even added a fish tank. These small additions are our reflections of us.
The second (and most important) factor is making memories. I believe this will be our home once we make more memories. Only time can fix that. I remember the first time we trimmed our own trees and decided how to landscape the backyard. This was something I never thought I would need to do but in the end it was a great adventure for me and my husband. This winter we are thinking about hosting the big family Christmas celebration. I will be thrilled for everyone to join us and host a warm and welcoming party.
In short, part of my anxiety lately stems from my lack of identity. Changes and fluxes in life can leave one questioning your core values and identity. A safe place or home is a place where you can be you, without guilt or judgement. When your environment is changed that comfort is (temporarily) lost. I am exited to have the comfort and feeling back.

TJBTM: Reflection

Today is interesting. I find myself over-thinking and going nowhere. I feel it is time to let go and move forward. Accept that I am me and that is all I need to be. I will not let anxiety control my favorite hobbies or prevent me from loving the world around me. I think everyday I become stronger and more prepared to set limits to prevent any anxiety overload again.

I found out two of my proposals were not funded. Of course this is very common but still sad none the less. I wrote these in hope of improving moral and environment at work. I believe creating a community of learners welcoming for everyone. I am very passionate about doing this. However, this is also the same stressor that caused my mind to not find rest. It is a big problem and I cannot solely fix it. Part of me is glad it was not funded because the amount of work associated with the proposal.

I am learning that life is more important than success and it takes time to make these dramatic changes. It takes a whole community as well, not a sole member. I will continue to be an advocate for change but I will not take sole responsibility.

Finally, I have been scare to do simple tasks. If I let my mind rest, it could wander. However, this is no way to live. Give in to the anxiety, nope... That is just not an option. I just decided to give it time and try one thing at a time. Every step forward is a success and milestone. I was nervous but in the end everything was fine. I have to say without the love and constant support of my husband, I may not have felt this way. As time goes on I will continue to move forward and keep trying additional things to and get back to my life.

TJBTM: Reinstating the status quo

Hello all. I hope this entry finds you well.

I have been thinking. (Probably over-)thinking a lot lately about life and how I got to the point where I could not handle my anxiety. How did the level get so high? How do I prevent this from happening again?

First of all, I am a complete pushover. Not in a bad way (or so I thought). I will bend over backwards to make someone else happy. I will go the extra mile to make sure you know you are appreciated and loved. I believe everyone should feel good about themselves and if not, I try to help them out as much as possible. While this is important for your close friends and family, it is impossible to maintain for everyone you interact with! (Lesson 1) It is clear to me, I do not give with the expectation of receiving. However, when down in the dumps it is important to have the relationships work to help improve yourself as well. With most close relationships this is how it works. Not always though. It is time in my life to figure out what relations are actually true friends and which are just beneficial for the other person. It seems selfish and rude to me now. But I believe it is a boundary that I never created for myself and should have. (Lesson 2)

The nature of why I give so much... I think that stems from the need to belong. I have spent many years trying to be "popular" or in the "in crowd". I cherish the relationships I have and worry I could lose them if I do not put in 110%. However, the questions I need to ask are "Is the relationship worth it? Does the person on the other end really appreciate me? Is this a friendship or am I being taken advantage of?"

The answer can be scary because I feel like I need constant approval. Also realizing someone is just using you is hard to handle. Especially when they are close to you. I need to create new boundary in which I am happy and can maintain. The new boundary will be hard to maintain but in the long run it will be helpful and I have to do this. For me and for my son. I do not want him to have an example of a mom who has no backbone. It is time to put my health and family first. Gah, I just hope I am strong enough to do this.

TJBTM: Part 5

Today was a big step forward for me. I woke up for the first time without a knot or butterflies in my stomach. I woke up feeling fine and ready to take on the world. As much as we think about the set backs, analyze the anxiety and worry about all the negatives, I also need to celebrate the victories. Today was a big victory. Moving forward is the only direction I am interested in. I hope you see your victories and celebrate them not only just as much as we worry about the set backs but more! Happy Tuesday.

TJBTM: One Month

It has been almost a month since I had an "panic attack" or whatever you want to call it.

I would say 90% of the time I feel like myself. I feel completely normal and like before. However, the other 10% is still very hesitate. I worry that if I do something wrong or hit a stressor I will be right back in a ball on the floor crying. To combat this fear, I look at how far I have come in 30 days. I believe I truly know myself and maybe even learning some new things. I even have goals for myself:

1. I need to set limits.
2.  I need to set boundaries.
3. It is 100% okay to be selfish for your own health.
4. Work is not the end all of everything.
5. You are not a failure if you cannot do it all.
6. Find a small thing that makes you happy. Everyday.
7. Love, Love, Love
8. I am not alone. We all struggle at some point. It is okay to struggle and to get help.

I guess in short, instead of looking at a to-do list and freaking out, I need to look at the done list and be proud. I need to accept that I am human. I cannot save the world by myself. What I can do is simply, be healthy and love.  I can excel at this by just letting go of what I thought defined me. It sounds so simply and lovely, just let go. This is so much harder in practice. Everything I do is because I am passionate about it. Everything I do is because I believe I can make a difference. The questions I need to ask myself is: "At what cost does this compassion and extras have? Is it worth my health and well-being?" It may not be forever but for now I need to let go and be good to myself. Someday, I will come back better than ever.

TJBTM: Part Three

Hello.

Well it has been almost a month since everything happened. I have come a long ways from where I was. I feel like the rational person I can be. However, as I look back, I wonder why it happened. What could I have done or could do now to prevent another anxiety spell?

I realized that this was a warning, from my mind to slow down. I am literally taking on too much and not saying "no" enough. I care about many issues at work and feel like I could address some. I feel like I could make a difference so I should. However, one person can do a lot but at the same time can also go crazy trying. I need to learn to set boundaries. Saying "no" is not selfish, it is necessary to have time for life. We are all only human.

Setting goals like this is hard. I believe a person should help when they can. However, the difference I do not realize is the "when they can" part. I try to help in every way possible but at what cost. Currently, I love to write many proposals and try to get funding for diversity and climate issues. These issues are near and dear to my heart and writing constantly about these topics can be draining and very negative. I got wrapped up in the emotions.

So, it is time for a break. I will step back. I will continue my current projects and ideas but I will not add anything additional. I cannot. In the future, (maybe) I will look into other issues I could help with? Try something other than climate and diversity. I will first work on how to say "no" as well. That is a big challenge for me.

TJBTM: Part two

Over two weeks.

I sit here passionate about mental health. I have come around the corner and feel on the mend. However, I feel so fortunate because of the family, friends, and health care I have access too. My heart aches for those who suffer because they do not have such support. I feel like this can be an ultimate goal for myself. I work in higher education and I can make a difference. Once I am comfortable, I will make a difference. I will help those I can. This is the biggest motivation to work at getting myself healthy.

Currently, I feel about 75% back to myself. While my mind is getting into the routine of work, my body is completely exhausted. I have no appetite. I eat but it is a chore. I am struggling with the idea of who I am and my self confidence is shaken. The anxiety took over for awhile and I was weak. I met a part of me I never knew. I part of me I hope never to see again. However, if I do get another panic/anxiety attack I hope I can get through it with coping techniques that I will build for myself. As a logical and analytical thinker, I want to know everything about the experience. I want to know why, how, what was the trigger, how can I prevent this. This insight will lead to healing. Learning to love my whole self and accepting truly my faults.

Life is good.

The Journey Back to Me...: Part 1

Well folks, its been 8 days since the initial anxiety attack/ panic attack...

I am full swing of the ups and downs. I would actually say it is more highs and lows. For 36 hours, I was medication free and feeling normal. I went to the doctor for an update. (For those of you suffering your primary care doctor can be a great resource!!!!!!) She thought the I was a lot better than our initial meeting. We talked. We discussed how supportive people are a huge part of getting up off the ground. We discussed how some people, with all the great intentions, have no idea what they are saying is harmful. I had family members suggesting I may have a brain tumor from the changes in my mood because they saw that on tv... While coming from a good place, this is the worse thing to tell someone who has a mind that will not shut off. By the end of the thought process, I was planning a funeral, figuring out my life insurance and writing a good bye letter to my family... All because of someone's advice. Be careful what you say.

Once recalling everything with my doctor, the walk back to work was quiet. My office was quiet. Grading was calling but not loud enough to drown out the thoughts of everything we just talked about. The spiral started again.

I freaked. I took meds that I was off of for 24 hours. It did not help. I knew then, this was fight I needed to face with myself and I knew then I was going to win. The question is how. Everyone is different. Everyone is strong in different ways. While I do believe support and help is key, I also think this is something that needs to come within me. I prayed. I cried. I talked until I could not even make sense anymore. I threw up because of the uncontrolled thoughts.

Then my husband said stop. Get up. Do something routine. I did the dishes. Once they were done with the dishes, my mind started. But I knew if I could just stay in front of it I could fix this. Maybe not this week, maybe not in a month but I would learn to control my anxiety and to find a way to get from a high or low back to a middle ground. My comfort zone.

I got a very sweet and helpful phone call from a friend and family member who has been there. Who says, your are not crazy. You are wonderful. You need support in your life like that. Not the over analyzers the complete supporters. 

I did something I should not have but I needed help for coping. I googled the heck out of anxiety. I am an extremely logical person and a trained scientist. If you are not, this is probably the worst thing to do. There is a lot of crap on the internet. However, one thing that stuck with with me was if the body is tired so is the mind. Do intense workout for 10 mins. Get in control of your body. Intense meaning you cannot do the workout with your complete concentration. As my husband said, it is too easy if you are thinking about anything beside the current exercise. I lifted heavy weights, did intense reps. Within 5 mins the only thing in my mind was do not drop the weight on your toe! I was back. Even just for a second. It felt like complete bliss. The whole time I was working out. I complemented myself. I have a phd in quantum chemistry. I have a success job. I have a beautiful family. I will get through this because I am strong and I want to get through this. Anxiety is part of me, it will not control and define me.

 I also find it very helpful to hear about my past struggles in my own words. Everyone interprets things differently. I want to know I can get through this next time because I have the struggle here; written out; in my own words. Like I said before. I am a very logical person and I can overcome this.

Two steps forward; one step back.

Tomorrow's goals: Lecture, grade, meetings. If I lose track, I work on the 9th floor. That is a lot of stairs for someone out of shape. I am sure it will be a struggle to go up and down all 9 flights but it will work to get the mind off things.