Wow, two posts in one day. Yep, I am having an emotional day. Watch out :)
I struggle. I struggle with acceptance. I know why but I am stuck. I cannot get over it. Basically, I am adopted. Everyone says it was a chance for a better life. While this is true, it is also the bitter fact that someone gave you away. I have always been told to feel grateful and thankful for this second chance and that it is true sacrifice to give up a child. I cannot imagine this sacrifice. I do feel thankful and lucky to be given a chance to thrive. However, that is not all I feel. I am angry and confused. To the best of my knowledge, I was left in a basket outside only days old. I have no idea where or why.
I feel like this longing to be accepted, to not lose anyone and maintain relationships at any cost is due to the fact I was abandoned at a young age. I struggled making friends, finding my place within a community. Now, after a long and over due reflection, I feel like I am just this person, an empty shell who is here to please others. I have no idea sometimes who I am.
I know one thing. I am a survivor. An abandoned child left, a person who tried so hard to find friends and yet struggled to know what a good friend truly is, the idea of suicide because I was not worth it.... all of this is in my past. And that is where I am going to make it stay. I want to be strong, work through my anger of past events, fears of being left all alone and not worth saving so I can move forward and love myself for who I am. I am worth being here and there is only one of me.
I know true friends, family and love. It is worth fighting for and pulling through the extreme lows in life. I feel we can not truly feel bliss until we have felt absolute pain.
A path of figuring out my place. Writing to digest. Knitting along the way.
Hello dear Desiree, I read this post earlier and wanted to comment since it made me a bit sad to learn how you are feeling. I can't say I know what you are going through, because I don't. But, I do know that you are am amazing person who was put on this earth for a purpose. Luckily, you were found and given life. I'm not trying to be religious, but there was someone else who was found in a basket; Moses. You are young, beautiful, a loving wife and mother and have so much to fill the void you are feeling. I sometimes have felt empty after becoming an empty nester, but I try to always think on the positive. I will continue to remember you in my thoughts and prayers and that your burden may be lightened. I wish I could reach out and say "hello, I will be your friend, and I care about you". My best to you dear one. Hugs, Pat
ReplyDeleteAwe, Pat, thank you. Your comments are truly treasured. I feel like writing things out on my blog is a real release to my issues and a way to get the out and over with :) Many hugs. Desiree
DeleteThank you! I find it very meaningful to not only write but to go back and read my thoughts. Help understand my feelings. I appreciate your support and encouragement :)
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