I decided to take some time off work and reflect. My plan was to just relax. Well, my mind does not stop which is the up and downside of anxiety. The first day off, I put a two coats of stain on the deck pillars and hauled the old deck boards away by 9 am. Then, work needed somethings done. Overall, the first day was extremely productive but in all the wrong ways. The next two days were the same as followed. Finally, I sit here perplexed.
The old me, before the panic attack never saw the relaxing and rest as a need therefore I pushed until the limits. I knew how to do that. I did it for years. I feel comfortable with that routine. That is the familiar to me. People know that is who I am. Now, I need rest, relaxation and me time and it is causing a ripple affect in my life. I know the right answer is to set a new status quo and to keep to it. But I can do the old me, I can work and push myself to the limits and be whatever everyone wants. I felt loved then, people talk to me as the need something from me. However, as I stopped being the push over, my friend stopped seeing the value of me. Therefore, I am lonely.
The loneliness leads to doubt, pain and more anxiety.It is embarrassing to me to need people so bad.... Ugh, I am not sure the right answer or what type of friend I am.... It is a vicious cycle of over thinking and analyzing. However, it is a hard one and I am struggling. Exercise and routine is what I need to get through this "meh" time. Here is to a day where I do not feel strong but I feel like there is still hope.
A path of figuring out my place. Writing to digest. Knitting along the way.
I understand completely. When I no longer had the energy/desire/whatever to be the "old" me, I lost some friends. But I forced myself to go to the occasional knitting group, or lecture, etc. and met a few new people that I actually like. Mostly because they do not feel the need to a) be together ALL the time, and b) do something they don't want to do - as a result, they don't get offended when I don't want to.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
Thanks Bridget. I am glad I have similar feelings to someone else who went through this. I am just struggling. Maybe a small number of good friends is all we need :) Hopefully, this will pass soon! Again, thanks for stopping by and reading. It means the world to me.
DeleteDear Desiree, the best advice I ever got during the hard times (emotional or physical) is to accept things as they are until you can, or want to change them. If it's impossible to change, then the ONLY thing is left is to accept them. Being OK with not being OK is a truly liberating feeling that ironically changes things for the better... I know every single person is having his/her own struggles, but this advice turned out to be so universal. As for friends... Well, it is hard to call these people in your life "friends". Life is just putting everything in place in the end of the day; people who you don't need disappear and people that you need will come. I wish you all the best in the world!
ReplyDeleteI like your reply Alina! That is great advice. We cannot change things all at once but we can accept that and move forward. Very helpful!!! It is truly liberating!! Thank you for stopping by! :)
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