Planning the recharge and refocus.

 Over the past six months have been big changes in my life. Post covid. Post George Floyd. Post trauma. I lost myself. The fun, busy body woman, who loved getting my nails done. Who loved makeup and matching shoes with purses. During this time, I also found a huge life void in my life. Hungry for something but not able to find the satisfaction. Lost in food trying to find the feeling in fulfillment. Lost in my head due to busy schedules and surviving.

Inhale, count to 10, exhale. 

The past few years, I found a routine of getting through this to get to the next. I have not taken time off for a vacation in so long. A relaxing, resting and rejuvenation for reentering. I decided to schedule a long vacation to stay at home and find me. What is my plan?

1- Garden- Spend time in the dirt under the sun. Breathe fresh air and feel exhausted from the sun. Sleep sound.

2- Train my thought process to stop being on the defense. Instead find some positivity in the world. Change my outlook from bracing for the worse to welcoming something new. Wake up grateful, hopeful, and excited. Not full of dread.

3-Exercise. Full my body with strength and not sugar. I bought a book about how to exercise and maintain it. How to 

4-At a talk today, a phrase resonated with me. Instead of work-life balance, reframe for work-life integration. The two should complement each other. Make an individual stronger. Being a scientist and an educator clearly helps my son. Lightbulb moment. Take an appreciation for it. 

5-knit. Find the hobby I love and enjoy it. Under the sun. Smiling. 

6-Over the past year, maybe longer, I have felt like I wear sheets of clothing. Nothing with style. Just a sheet to cover myself and make myself proper for public. Professional so I can be taken seriously. I lost my identity and my style during the time I was surviving. 

7-Identify one new thing about myself. 

8-Discover what motivates me. Why do I do what I do?

9- Practice release of materialistic lifestyle. I do not need stuff. I need experiences, memories and smiles.

10-Breathe. Take time to breathe and slow life down a bit. 

Here is to self discovery. You do you and I'll be me.

 The feeling in my fingertips and the empathy I feel manifested to this post. 

Over the past few weeks, I have been reading How the Word is Passed by Clint Smith. It is an understatement to say this book changed how I look at the world we live in. I have only read the first 3 sections. I have to take it in pieces. Digest the new reality I see when I look around. There are so many emotions and feelings associated with how I feel lately and writing helps me process my state of mind.

Sadness.

The first emotion that came across was sadness. Tears rolled down my eyes when I read about how history and social foundation built upon slave labor. Non-free humans, deemed as property, to increase ones social status. To create the next generation of successful free humans, this country used non-free human labor. I realized the term slave takes away the sense of the person being a human. I imagine what my family would have been "worth". My son taken from me to increase the value of another which leads to generation wealth. this leads to the continuous cycle of maintaining a dominate race. A superior race. One that has the power to make the laws, implement punishments, and reinforce the current status.

Anger.

Realizing the plan, the intentional use of non-free humans, for profit lead to the next emotion. Anger. Pure anger that one could justify their own free child more important than a non-free child. The idea of owning someone....Anger that this is how our system works. To this day, prisons do not value the life of mistakes. We teach our youth it is okay to make a mistake. However, if you are not in the powerful community, mistakes can be deadly. Mistakes can mean imprisonment, without equal due process, into cheap labor that our current system then benefits and enforces the cycle. Anger that I have to have a license plate made by a prisoner. Anger that I live in a system that for an individual is difficult to change. Even more difficult because it is made to keep the the newly freed humans, "in their place". Anger. 

Optimism. (Cautious)

As a society, some of us are willing to do the process. Reckon with the past, fully acknowledge our entitlement built on backs of non-free humans. Create a place to learn, and truly make this a better place for all.

Anger.

Back to anger. It seems so obvious the work that needs to be done. The past is horrible and the history we denied ourselves should be open for all to learn. However, not all choose to do. The anger of people having the ability to not want or choose the work. Dealing with living in a society where we know others feel slavery was in the past and is not impacting the current generation or future ones. Anger.

Isolation. 

My personal connect with all of this is very multilayered. I am a person of color. An orphan from India. Adopted into a white family with white privilege. Successful due to white privilege. Not truly fitting in with white community due to appearance. Not fitting in with non-white society due to white cultural and up brining. Pure isolation. 

Hopeless. 

Hearing that change is on the horizon. People are doing the work but while that work is being done, the system is still inequitable. Making the issue worse. Being a part of a broken system. Being an enabler of the system. Not able to change it. Knowing in my lifetime, there may be little change. 

Motivational.

What can I do? I serve on many committees at work that are charged with creating better and more equitable programs for historically excluded groups. I will commit to this work and raise a son that is aware of the history of this country and can make informed decisions.

Tomorrow I have my discussion with book club members. I am interested and intrigued to hear their thoughts and processes. Maybe that can cure isolation or lead to an even greater understand.

Keep learning my friends. 

Knitting is the best therapy

Hello knitters.

Gah-lee, it feels good to be blogging again! I have been busy knitting socks and other fun things. My son plays hockey and he wanted a team hat. I decided to knit him a small hat in his team colors.

 

I cast on 80 stitches and ribbed for about 4 inches. Followed by another 4 inches of just knitting. Then I reduced stitches until it was small enough to close the top. I used acrylic yarn, Caron one pound yarn. With the mud all over the place from the melting snow, acrylic yarn would be the easiest for washing. Plus, I have a lot of left overs for a pair of hockey socks for next year! My son says it is the warmest hat he has. <3  

I have always loved the helix sock pattern. However, whenever I have made this pattern I have done the adjusted version by Neuroknitter for size 1 needles.  A friend gifted me this sock yarn by OnTheRound signature sock yarn. It is a heavier yarn and I was able to use size three needles which worked perfect for the original helix pattern.

 My son is turning 7 in a month. If you have read some of my past posts, he loves hand knit socks. I was knitting a pair of socks for a friends birthday and he asked if I would knit him a pair for his birthday. I said we will see. Of course I had already started a pair and I have been keeping it a secret.

 When he was sleeping, I put the sock on his foot and it is way too small. I will have to take the toe out and add some length to the foot. Whew, good thing I checked.

 My knitting audience. I love these guys and they love to cuddle!

 I started a pair of striped socks for myself. I love this yarn (I left the label on my dresser so I have no idea what brand or colorway they are.) I started knitting continental style about 6 months ago. I really enjoy this way and I knit in a more rhythmic way. My gauge is quite a bit tighter now and I have had to adjust my patterns accordingly.

I love this picture. On Valentine's Day, someone posted this by the elevators. What a way to show love for all! I took a heart and placed it on my office door. I smile every time I see it.
Have a great one knitters!

It is okay.

Three simple words. It is okay.

As a parent, we teach our kids the basic tools for life. How to tie shoes, balance a checkbook, drive a car, bake a cake, etc... However, without even knowing it, we teach them how to endure. We tell them constantly, it will be okay. You will get through this. I know when my son use to get a small cut, he would scream and cry. Now, after countless times repeating it is going to be okay, he just shakes minor cuts off. I am sure someday the same thing will happen with is first love and many other experiences. 

My childhood was a bit unusual. I have eluded to the fact, I was not a "happy" kid growing up and I never felt a sense of belonging. I also never felt a sense of reassurance. I do not remember ever crying in my parents arms with them comforting me. They had their limits. It just was not part of their nurturing. Therefore, I am here as a grown adult craving those words.

For example, years ago, we found ourselves with a very sick dog. This dog is an important part of our family. I was so scared we were losing him. I remember a dear friend told me, "it will be okay". I interpreted that as her having a crystal ball, or algorithm that predicted the future. She knew my dog would survive. In reality it meant, no matter what happens, life will go on. When I discovered what people meant, it was an epiphany. People will help me through the bad times and we will endure. The feeling of hope, security and comfort flooded my mind.

As an adult, I find myself searching for this reassurance that I can in fact endure what life throws at me. I do not have the baseline developed from childhood. How do I fix that? Well, I believe it is simply to find the power within. Tell myself, it will be okay when I worry. The overwhelming sensation is amazing. Taking a deep breath and realizing endurance is there if we chose it.

As for the past few years, I have noticed I am a very needy friend. I believe this all ties into the same issues. I have taught myself to trust my own instincts instead of asking for others advice. I have also found comfort from writing and thinking about situations. I hope in the future I can be an even better friend and not so needy!

Hope all is well.

New Years and What is Next

Hello all.

I hope this post finds you well. It has been a blur the past few months. At work I have several collaborations end and submitted for publication. A successful year none the less but a lot of changes. I would like to reflect on my personal and professional goals.

Personally, I would like to be the friend to others that I am searching for. Helpful, dependable, and not needy or take more than I give. I am also interested in being a supportive mom. Every hockey game, educational needs/advances, and more active at home. This will be achieved by my own increase in energy by taking slow (baby steps) to a better health. I love running in the cold. However, I stopped because I could not master the skill. However, I do not need to master it, I am not an Olympian, all I need is to do it for the energy and endorphins. Finally, the past year has been the best of our marriage. I would like to keep this going in a positive direction. Listening to my partner, communicating concerns before they become a huge pile of angst.

Professionally, I would like to continue to support and help graduate students while expanding my collaborations. I teach in the spring, I would like to redesign my course. Making the material relate-able to specific research projects to show the value in techniques.

These are large goals with much work ahead of me. However, there is no penalty for failure or retrying as many times as necessary. Any changes in the right direction are good and will help with all goals. Plus, if I do make all these changes, I will have nothing left for 2017.

Good luck to all with your resolutions.

WIP Wednesday: Oct 5, 2016

Hello knitters.

Here in the midwest, the leaves are changing colors, the smell of burning leaves is in the air and the temperatures are falling fast. October is here. I love this time of year because I find it so calming. My husband loves everything pumpkin so he is in pure heaven right now. All we can do is soak up as much fall as we can before ole man winter shows ups.

We spent the past weekend celebrating Oktoberfest in La Crosse, WI. We try to make this event every year. I love the Maple Leaf Parade. We run into so many friends and family along the parade route. Then we send my son off to grandmas and do some bar hopping. Finally, we end the day with Big Al's pizza and a fire. It is a long but fun day. We drove home the next day and surprised a dear friend of mine with a birthday party. We had Mexican food, homemade guacamole, and margaritas. After a full weekend, we were all asleep before our heads hit the pillow.

As for knitting, we were able to finish the beer mitts for Oktoberfest. Everyone enjoyed their mitt and I am sure I will have plenty to make for next year.

I kept a grey mitt for myself. Somehow my husband lost his in the shuffle. I love this little keepsake to remember the event. One dear friend, Joey, I see every year at Oktoberfest. Joey and I go way back. I met Joe in Kindergarten. He was my reading partner. We have remained friends ever since.

You can see Joe with his family and sporting his beer mitt.

The whole weekend was filled with fun and I am so glad to have these moments in my life and great people all around. EIEIEI O! Happy Oktoberfest.

Five on Friday

Hi everyone.

I hope this post finds you well. We have been busy here. Last weekend we visited some friends and hung out all weekend. The air was crisp as we enter fall, we sat knitting while the kids ran and played. We ate good food, laughed and enjoyed each others company. I am saddened that my best friend moved but we are keeping our relationship strong by long phone calls and long weekend visits.

 During our visit we went to the Riverfront Museum.

 Two buddies reuniting.

 A big stick bug discovered by the kiddos.

Eating salmon and trying to maintain better habits.

A new sock for my boy. He picked out this bright skein while visiting friends.

After many emotional months and a journey into my own past, I have realized I am moving in the right direction. Healing takes a while for any wound but realizing there is a wound is the first step. I feel like I have been carrying bagage from my past. Addressing the emotions and feelings at the time was not possible due to my age, knowledge and lack of experiences. As I raise my child these issues and memories are surfacing. However, the emotions are different. I realize my past is just that, a past. I will address the emotion, let it flow and move forward. I will not let it overwhelm me or take control of my future. 

 

TJBTM: Creatures of Habit

Hello all.

I sit here thinking. Not able to really grasp life and relax. The fall semester started and confusion is in the air. A new year of graduate students seem more confused and overwhelmed compared to the last 5 years I have been here. In addition, we have lost several coworkers due to the climate and better offers at other universities. While changes can lead to a bright future, I am dreading the time it will take to get there. The tension and climate is at a breaking point. Everyone is stressed and pushed to their limits. Looking at it from a positive point of view, I believe everyone is extremely impressed with the ability for the department to thrive while all of the changes unfold.
Home life is just as chaotic. I feel very torn between being a mom and a wife. The rolls are very different and for a long time I was just the mom. Balancing a career, child in school and a marriage is something I want to come naturally but seems to always take more effort than I expected. I love my family and all my different rolls, I am just learning how to prioritize and let little things go.
My son changed schools from last year to this because we bought a home. He is not happy at his new school or the after school care he receives. This really pulls at my heart strings. I am hoping he will adjust and find things that make him happy to be at his new environment but currently it really is making me question our move.
Finally, I am struggling hard with taking a healthier approach to life. I want to be social and have time to see friends. However, to maintain a healthy eating habits I have to be in the kitchen preparing our meals and planing out grocery shopping for a lot of my free time.
It would be easier if I was a millionaire and could just pay someone to do it all for me. I could just read to my son and eat the already cut up fruit. BUT since I am clearly not a millionaire. I will struggle and find a balance, get in a groove and before you know it, we may have a routine down. Well, that is the plan at least.

WIP Wednesday

Hi Knitters.

I hope this post finds you well. We have been super busy soaking up as much sun as we can before the cold WI winter returns. Two weeks ago, we went to Rapid City South Dakota. We had a great time sight seeing. The Black Hills were my favorite part. We also were in a traffic jam of buffaloes at Custer National Park. It was amazing and I think N had a great time just being before school started.

N started first grade last week. What a change. There is more routine and he is struggling a bit to get energized. I feel within a few more days he will have it down.

 I was able to get a bit of knitting done in the car. Most evenings I was exhausted and headed straight to bed. The library emailed me before the trip with my requested fulfilled. I was able to take Knitlandia on the trip with me. I am almost done and enjoying every bit of it.

 It is almost time for Oktoberfest and we love to spend time with all of our friends. I decided to make beer stein mitts for everyone. Of course it is crunch time and I need to knit like 5 more! Plus, I need to make all of the thumbs and tons of ends to tie in! Eeek!

This past weekend we spent time in New Glarus, WI. We saw the brewery and toured the town. It is definitely a cute place to visit.

Enjoy your week knitters.

Five on Friday: A little of this and that

Hello all.

It has been a while since I posted. Not because my mind and thoughts are going but more because I love summer and in WI you have to get as much as you can while it lasts. I work at UW-Madison and it is the time of the year where people are buzzing. Students move in Monday and campus will be busy soon again. While tackling my work load I have found the preparedness to be the best tool for looking ahead.

November, I will go to Raleigh, NC for a conference and hopefully some sight seeing in the evening! I am looking forward to the trip as I have never been to Raleigh. October is recruiting, always a busy and fast month. For fun, we run away to La Crosse for Oktoberfest. I am currently knitting beer gloves for all of our friends and family this year.

As for life in general, I am still moving forward but a little slower than I would like. I spent the weekend in Tampa, FL watching my niece and nephew for a few days while their parents had a trip. It was the best opportunity to get to know these kids and have quality time since they are so far away. However, this is the longest I have been apart from my own son. I started to feel very anxious the day before I left. The morning by myself with the kiddos, I cried for 10 mins in the bathroom trying to figure out what my emotions meant. Basically, I missed my family and it was going to be a while until I see them. However, I can do this. I have a great opportunity and had a blast the rest of the weekend. Thinking about this event more, I realized that my anxiety is not straight forward. I was anxious and I thought it was because I could not handle two kids for 4 days on my own. In in reality, I was just missing my family. Once I realized the emotion, it was like instant relief. Anxiety literally fell from my body and I was at peace. Yes, I am sad that I am away from my family however, everyone is fine and I need to take this opportunity with my niece and nephew and bond with them.

 My niece and nephew at Johnny Rocketes.

 My niece and I while H sleeps.

Maybe this is a key way to move forward, instead of taking the anxiety at face value look and search my emotions to understand my true feelings.

Of course I was able to visit 2 yarn stores while in FL. I had a wonderful time. I am a huge fan of The Fiber Seed yarn and I bought another skein for myself.

 Roxy's Yarn FL

New yarn from Fiber Seed purchased at Roxy's Yarn.

I finished the weekend with knitting in the airport. Another blogger discussed how she knits a pair of socks for her kids every year on the first day of school. I love this idea and decided to start the tradition with N. 

Knitting N's first grade socks while in the airport.

Enjoy your weekend my loves.

TJBTM: Catching the Spiral

Anxiety is just anxiety. It is just a thought of, take a step back and think before acting. However, it becomes difficult when one fears of the outcome anxiety is trying to prevent. For example, early cave man days, a man could walk to the edge of a cliff. Anxiety says, hey back up.... and you do so to save your life. This is a way we can "listen" to our inner self and prevent tragedy. Again, do not go down that dark alley by yourself late at night, go the long way... and so forth.

I have a trip planned this week to head to FL and babysit some family. I am so excited. As the weekend draws near, anxiety started to find a way in. I started to worry about not knowing any other adult in the city. What if... this, what if that.... of course all of the scenarios in my head were bad. My mind became taxed and my spiral began.

As the day progressed, I decided what if something equally likely but extremely wonderful happened. For example, a stranger gave me 10 million dollars on the street. How is that any less likely than me passing out for some unknown reason and no one there to help with the kiddos? Either are both unlikely and not something to worry. Once you add probability and not just possibility, anxiety loses the strength to tax the mind and control ones fear. At least in my case, the logic helps ease the worry.

Instead, I am doing things within my control. Planning activities, places to see and memories to make. Today I stopped the spiral and it feels really good.

WIP Wednesday

Hello knitters.

It has been a fun, heartfelt and exhausting weekend. First we traveled 5 hours last Friday for a graduation party. A dear family member is done with high school and off to the next phase of his journey. We wished him all the luck in the world and will always be here to support him along the way. He is a exemplary young man and I hope my son turns out just as awesome.

N and C, 2013

On Sunday, we rushed back home to meet my sister-in-law and family. We spent time visiting the zoo, splash parks and local hot spots. Throughout the whole time, my niece and nephew got to know our family a bit better and we bonded for a long time. After the third day, we said our "See you laters" and headed home to a quiet house. Gosh, what a great few days.

 

S, N and H, 2016

Alright, back to the knitting.  I started a second Azel Sweater for a friend's daughter. I love my homemade stitch marker. 

 Finally, I am reading The Yarn Whisper. It is written by the same author as Knitladia, Clara Parkes. So far, I am in love. I have put a hold on Knitladia at the library and cannot wait to dive in.

Have a great week knitters. Linking up with Ginny. 

Five on Friday

Hello all. I hope this post finds you well and happy.

I am doing well. My family and I are looking forward to a quick trip for the 4th of July. Campfires, boat rides and family time is in our future.

Here is my 5:

 We spent many hours redoing our deck in May and June. Now we are finally reaping the benefits. I am working on some socks in the Monkey pattern using Tosh Sock in the Ginseng colorway. I love LOVE love this pattern. It is simple, quick and beautiful. I had some issues with the yarn pooling on the foot however, I think I have taken care of that! Maybe next week, these will be done. (That could be wishful thinking.

 Here is the gang for one last picture before one family leaves to start their new journeys. These kids have hung out and been friends for the last 5 years. Clearly, they have a great time together and these events in our lives will be dearly missed.

 Here are the moms. We met through our daycare and became friends quickly. My dear friend L on the right moved on Monday. Her hubby took a job as a pediatrician 3 hours away. While our twice a week, last minute dinners are out of the question, we at least get to visit for a whole weekend at a time. Plus we have already starting emailing a lot to stay in contact. 

 I have always wondered about the benefits of having only one child. For some reason, I believe you here more negative than positive so I thought I should read about.

The past week, my husband and I have decided to get back into shape. We work out for 30 mins together and try to tackle our eating habits. So far, I feel better and have smaller black circles under my eyes. Hopefully, I can stick to it ;)

Here is more 5 on Friday.

TJBTM: What I want to be when I grow up

As of April, I have changed my reading and tv habits. I stopped watching my favorite shows and reading my favorite novels. They were usually about crimes, murders and scary events. I loved the science behind the show Bones and watched every week. However, my anxiety attacked me personally and these shows made me very scared.

Last week, I went back to my usual novels. I realized I like the dynamic between the lead characters and the journey of their relationship. I was still sensitive to the crime and murder so I had to quit. Tonight, I tried watching a new episode of Bones. It was not scary and it was actually a episode very different from their normal scripts. The episode was still about solving a murder but it also was about a a person following them to make a documentary about their relationship between the FBI and Bones. At the end of the episode, they asked each character what they wanted to be when they grow up. I found this very fun and interesting.

I guess from a young age I knew I was going to be a scientist. I am not sure what age I knew to be a chemist. Heck, I do not know if I should be one now.. but that is another story. Making the decision to go to graduate school was easy. I figured out I wanted to know more about my field and have a deeper understanding about our world. I thrive to learn something new everyday. I love school. I love figuring things out and understanding phenomena at a deeper level. Honestly, when I retire I told my husband I want to work at FedEx. Think about how well organized and thought out a company has to be to guarantee an item to be anywhere in the world within 24 hours. Impressive and I want to know how. I also want to work at an airport. That is another example of a "well-oiled machine"!

I want to learn not only more about science and chemistry but about life. The saying we are only human really resonates with me.  We are allowed and expected to make mistakes however we should learn from them. We are fortunate to have the ability to not only analyze our mistakes but to adapt. I realized I am too robotic and I do not feel things. I bottle things up until the dam is at its breaking point. Now that I have identified the issue, I feel the way to adapt is to slow down in life and feel the emotion. I may not understand what I am feeling but I will give the emotion it's 5 minutes of fame and move on. Hopefully releasing pressure from a the dam.

Five on Friday

Hello. This is my first Five on Friday Post.

One: I bought yarn at my LYS trunk show of madlinetosh. I cannot wait to cast on these socks. However, I will finish a few more projects before I do. Well, at least that is the goal.

 Two: We are enjoying the deck and time outside. Every night (weather permitting) my husband and I have a 20-30 minute talk about life, the day and us. It has been the best improvement to our home.

 Three: Saved this little guy from my dogs. Hopefully he will stay cute from a distance :)

 Four: My current WIP. The Quicksilver shawl. I have only one last section!!! Hopefully, this will be done by the end of the day.... Fingers crossed.

 Five: I finished my nieces Azel Sweater. It was a super fast and easy project. However, there are several mistakes in the patter which is frustrating.

Thank you for stopping by and joining Five on Friday. More Five on Friday  can be found here.

TJBTM: The Meh's and Exercise

I decided to take some time off work and reflect. My plan was to just relax. Well, my mind does not stop which is the up and downside of anxiety. The first day off, I put a two coats of stain on the deck pillars and hauled the old deck boards away by 9 am. Then, work needed somethings done. Overall, the first day was extremely productive but in all the wrong ways. The next two days were the same as followed. Finally, I sit here perplexed.

The old me, before the panic attack never saw the relaxing and rest as a need therefore I pushed until the limits. I knew how to do that. I did it for years. I feel comfortable with that routine. That is the familiar to me. People know that is who I am. Now, I need rest, relaxation and me time and it is causing a ripple affect in my life. I know the right answer is to set a new status quo and to keep to it. But I can do the old me, I can work and push myself to the limits and be whatever everyone wants. I felt loved then, people talk to me as the need something from me. However, as I stopped being the push over, my friend stopped seeing the value of me. Therefore, I am lonely.

The loneliness leads to doubt, pain and more anxiety.It is embarrassing to me to need people so bad.... Ugh, I am not sure the right answer or what type of friend I am....  It is a vicious cycle of over thinking and analyzing. However, it is a hard one and I am struggling. Exercise and routine is what I need to get through this "meh" time. Here is to a day where I do not feel strong but I feel like there is still hope.

WIP Wednesday

Sorry, I am late to the party! Joining Ginny's Yarn along today.

This is a bit of a weird post. The past couple of weeks I have been working really hard to getting my knitting spot ready. We bought our first home last October and wanted to replace the deck. The deck was in bad condition and really needed new floor boards and a new stain job.

Here you can see our little buddy on the nasty old boards.

I took a couple of days off of work, sanded the rails and spindles. After I stained them the deck was starting to show some promise. I also stained new boards in the garage.

 Finally we put in the new boards and added some furniture.

 Lets just say this is my favorite place to knit and just be.

 Enjoy your week!