Planning the recharge and refocus.

 Over the past six months have been big changes in my life. Post covid. Post George Floyd. Post trauma. I lost myself. The fun, busy body woman, who loved getting my nails done. Who loved makeup and matching shoes with purses. During this time, I also found a huge life void in my life. Hungry for something but not able to find the satisfaction. Lost in food trying to find the feeling in fulfillment. Lost in my head due to busy schedules and surviving.

Inhale, count to 10, exhale. 

The past few years, I found a routine of getting through this to get to the next. I have not taken time off for a vacation in so long. A relaxing, resting and rejuvenation for reentering. I decided to schedule a long vacation to stay at home and find me. What is my plan?

1- Garden- Spend time in the dirt under the sun. Breathe fresh air and feel exhausted from the sun. Sleep sound.

2- Train my thought process to stop being on the defense. Instead find some positivity in the world. Change my outlook from bracing for the worse to welcoming something new. Wake up grateful, hopeful, and excited. Not full of dread.

3-Exercise. Full my body with strength and not sugar. I bought a book about how to exercise and maintain it. How to 

4-At a talk today, a phrase resonated with me. Instead of work-life balance, reframe for work-life integration. The two should complement each other. Make an individual stronger. Being a scientist and an educator clearly helps my son. Lightbulb moment. Take an appreciation for it. 

5-knit. Find the hobby I love and enjoy it. Under the sun. Smiling. 

6-Over the past year, maybe longer, I have felt like I wear sheets of clothing. Nothing with style. Just a sheet to cover myself and make myself proper for public. Professional so I can be taken seriously. I lost my identity and my style during the time I was surviving. 

7-Identify one new thing about myself. 

8-Discover what motivates me. Why do I do what I do?

9- Practice release of materialistic lifestyle. I do not need stuff. I need experiences, memories and smiles.

10-Breathe. Take time to breathe and slow life down a bit. 

Here is to self discovery. You do you and I'll be me.

 The feeling in my fingertips and the empathy I feel manifested to this post. 

Over the past few weeks, I have been reading How the Word is Passed by Clint Smith. It is an understatement to say this book changed how I look at the world we live in. I have only read the first 3 sections. I have to take it in pieces. Digest the new reality I see when I look around. There are so many emotions and feelings associated with how I feel lately and writing helps me process my state of mind.

Sadness.

The first emotion that came across was sadness. Tears rolled down my eyes when I read about how history and social foundation built upon slave labor. Non-free humans, deemed as property, to increase ones social status. To create the next generation of successful free humans, this country used non-free human labor. I realized the term slave takes away the sense of the person being a human. I imagine what my family would have been "worth". My son taken from me to increase the value of another which leads to generation wealth. this leads to the continuous cycle of maintaining a dominate race. A superior race. One that has the power to make the laws, implement punishments, and reinforce the current status.

Anger.

Realizing the plan, the intentional use of non-free humans, for profit lead to the next emotion. Anger. Pure anger that one could justify their own free child more important than a non-free child. The idea of owning someone....Anger that this is how our system works. To this day, prisons do not value the life of mistakes. We teach our youth it is okay to make a mistake. However, if you are not in the powerful community, mistakes can be deadly. Mistakes can mean imprisonment, without equal due process, into cheap labor that our current system then benefits and enforces the cycle. Anger that I have to have a license plate made by a prisoner. Anger that I live in a system that for an individual is difficult to change. Even more difficult because it is made to keep the the newly freed humans, "in their place". Anger. 

Optimism. (Cautious)

As a society, some of us are willing to do the process. Reckon with the past, fully acknowledge our entitlement built on backs of non-free humans. Create a place to learn, and truly make this a better place for all.

Anger.

Back to anger. It seems so obvious the work that needs to be done. The past is horrible and the history we denied ourselves should be open for all to learn. However, not all choose to do. The anger of people having the ability to not want or choose the work. Dealing with living in a society where we know others feel slavery was in the past and is not impacting the current generation or future ones. Anger.

Isolation. 

My personal connect with all of this is very multilayered. I am a person of color. An orphan from India. Adopted into a white family with white privilege. Successful due to white privilege. Not truly fitting in with white community due to appearance. Not fitting in with non-white society due to white cultural and up brining. Pure isolation. 

Hopeless. 

Hearing that change is on the horizon. People are doing the work but while that work is being done, the system is still inequitable. Making the issue worse. Being a part of a broken system. Being an enabler of the system. Not able to change it. Knowing in my lifetime, there may be little change. 

Motivational.

What can I do? I serve on many committees at work that are charged with creating better and more equitable programs for historically excluded groups. I will commit to this work and raise a son that is aware of the history of this country and can make informed decisions.

Tomorrow I have my discussion with book club members. I am interested and intrigued to hear their thoughts and processes. Maybe that can cure isolation or lead to an even greater understand.

Keep learning my friends. 

Knitting is the best therapy

Hello knitters.

Gah-lee, it feels good to be blogging again! I have been busy knitting socks and other fun things. My son plays hockey and he wanted a team hat. I decided to knit him a small hat in his team colors.

 

I cast on 80 stitches and ribbed for about 4 inches. Followed by another 4 inches of just knitting. Then I reduced stitches until it was small enough to close the top. I used acrylic yarn, Caron one pound yarn. With the mud all over the place from the melting snow, acrylic yarn would be the easiest for washing. Plus, I have a lot of left overs for a pair of hockey socks for next year! My son says it is the warmest hat he has. <3  

I have always loved the helix sock pattern. However, whenever I have made this pattern I have done the adjusted version by Neuroknitter for size 1 needles.  A friend gifted me this sock yarn by OnTheRound signature sock yarn. It is a heavier yarn and I was able to use size three needles which worked perfect for the original helix pattern.

 My son is turning 7 in a month. If you have read some of my past posts, he loves hand knit socks. I was knitting a pair of socks for a friends birthday and he asked if I would knit him a pair for his birthday. I said we will see. Of course I had already started a pair and I have been keeping it a secret.

 When he was sleeping, I put the sock on his foot and it is way too small. I will have to take the toe out and add some length to the foot. Whew, good thing I checked.

 My knitting audience. I love these guys and they love to cuddle!

 I started a pair of striped socks for myself. I love this yarn (I left the label on my dresser so I have no idea what brand or colorway they are.) I started knitting continental style about 6 months ago. I really enjoy this way and I knit in a more rhythmic way. My gauge is quite a bit tighter now and I have had to adjust my patterns accordingly.

I love this picture. On Valentine's Day, someone posted this by the elevators. What a way to show love for all! I took a heart and placed it on my office door. I smile every time I see it.
Have a great one knitters!

It is okay.

Three simple words. It is okay.

As a parent, we teach our kids the basic tools for life. How to tie shoes, balance a checkbook, drive a car, bake a cake, etc... However, without even knowing it, we teach them how to endure. We tell them constantly, it will be okay. You will get through this. I know when my son use to get a small cut, he would scream and cry. Now, after countless times repeating it is going to be okay, he just shakes minor cuts off. I am sure someday the same thing will happen with is first love and many other experiences. 

My childhood was a bit unusual. I have eluded to the fact, I was not a "happy" kid growing up and I never felt a sense of belonging. I also never felt a sense of reassurance. I do not remember ever crying in my parents arms with them comforting me. They had their limits. It just was not part of their nurturing. Therefore, I am here as a grown adult craving those words.

For example, years ago, we found ourselves with a very sick dog. This dog is an important part of our family. I was so scared we were losing him. I remember a dear friend told me, "it will be okay". I interpreted that as her having a crystal ball, or algorithm that predicted the future. She knew my dog would survive. In reality it meant, no matter what happens, life will go on. When I discovered what people meant, it was an epiphany. People will help me through the bad times and we will endure. The feeling of hope, security and comfort flooded my mind.

As an adult, I find myself searching for this reassurance that I can in fact endure what life throws at me. I do not have the baseline developed from childhood. How do I fix that? Well, I believe it is simply to find the power within. Tell myself, it will be okay when I worry. The overwhelming sensation is amazing. Taking a deep breath and realizing endurance is there if we chose it.

As for the past few years, I have noticed I am a very needy friend. I believe this all ties into the same issues. I have taught myself to trust my own instincts instead of asking for others advice. I have also found comfort from writing and thinking about situations. I hope in the future I can be an even better friend and not so needy!

Hope all is well.

New Years and What is Next

Hello all.

I hope this post finds you well. It has been a blur the past few months. At work I have several collaborations end and submitted for publication. A successful year none the less but a lot of changes. I would like to reflect on my personal and professional goals.

Personally, I would like to be the friend to others that I am searching for. Helpful, dependable, and not needy or take more than I give. I am also interested in being a supportive mom. Every hockey game, educational needs/advances, and more active at home. This will be achieved by my own increase in energy by taking slow (baby steps) to a better health. I love running in the cold. However, I stopped because I could not master the skill. However, I do not need to master it, I am not an Olympian, all I need is to do it for the energy and endorphins. Finally, the past year has been the best of our marriage. I would like to keep this going in a positive direction. Listening to my partner, communicating concerns before they become a huge pile of angst.

Professionally, I would like to continue to support and help graduate students while expanding my collaborations. I teach in the spring, I would like to redesign my course. Making the material relate-able to specific research projects to show the value in techniques.

These are large goals with much work ahead of me. However, there is no penalty for failure or retrying as many times as necessary. Any changes in the right direction are good and will help with all goals. Plus, if I do make all these changes, I will have nothing left for 2017.

Good luck to all with your resolutions.

WIP Wednesday: Oct 5, 2016

Hello knitters.

Here in the midwest, the leaves are changing colors, the smell of burning leaves is in the air and the temperatures are falling fast. October is here. I love this time of year because I find it so calming. My husband loves everything pumpkin so he is in pure heaven right now. All we can do is soak up as much fall as we can before ole man winter shows ups.

We spent the past weekend celebrating Oktoberfest in La Crosse, WI. We try to make this event every year. I love the Maple Leaf Parade. We run into so many friends and family along the parade route. Then we send my son off to grandmas and do some bar hopping. Finally, we end the day with Big Al's pizza and a fire. It is a long but fun day. We drove home the next day and surprised a dear friend of mine with a birthday party. We had Mexican food, homemade guacamole, and margaritas. After a full weekend, we were all asleep before our heads hit the pillow.

As for knitting, we were able to finish the beer mitts for Oktoberfest. Everyone enjoyed their mitt and I am sure I will have plenty to make for next year.

I kept a grey mitt for myself. Somehow my husband lost his in the shuffle. I love this little keepsake to remember the event. One dear friend, Joey, I see every year at Oktoberfest. Joey and I go way back. I met Joe in Kindergarten. He was my reading partner. We have remained friends ever since.

You can see Joe with his family and sporting his beer mitt.

The whole weekend was filled with fun and I am so glad to have these moments in my life and great people all around. EIEIEI O! Happy Oktoberfest.

Five on Friday

Hi everyone.

I hope this post finds you well. We have been busy here. Last weekend we visited some friends and hung out all weekend. The air was crisp as we enter fall, we sat knitting while the kids ran and played. We ate good food, laughed and enjoyed each others company. I am saddened that my best friend moved but we are keeping our relationship strong by long phone calls and long weekend visits.

 During our visit we went to the Riverfront Museum.

 Two buddies reuniting.

 A big stick bug discovered by the kiddos.

Eating salmon and trying to maintain better habits.

A new sock for my boy. He picked out this bright skein while visiting friends.

After many emotional months and a journey into my own past, I have realized I am moving in the right direction. Healing takes a while for any wound but realizing there is a wound is the first step. I feel like I have been carrying bagage from my past. Addressing the emotions and feelings at the time was not possible due to my age, knowledge and lack of experiences. As I raise my child these issues and memories are surfacing. However, the emotions are different. I realize my past is just that, a past. I will address the emotion, let it flow and move forward. I will not let it overwhelm me or take control of my future.