The Journey Back to Me...: Part 1

Well folks, its been 8 days since the initial anxiety attack/ panic attack...

I am full swing of the ups and downs. I would actually say it is more highs and lows. For 36 hours, I was medication free and feeling normal. I went to the doctor for an update. (For those of you suffering your primary care doctor can be a great resource!!!!!!) She thought the I was a lot better than our initial meeting. We talked. We discussed how supportive people are a huge part of getting up off the ground. We discussed how some people, with all the great intentions, have no idea what they are saying is harmful. I had family members suggesting I may have a brain tumor from the changes in my mood because they saw that on tv... While coming from a good place, this is the worse thing to tell someone who has a mind that will not shut off. By the end of the thought process, I was planning a funeral, figuring out my life insurance and writing a good bye letter to my family... All because of someone's advice. Be careful what you say.

Once recalling everything with my doctor, the walk back to work was quiet. My office was quiet. Grading was calling but not loud enough to drown out the thoughts of everything we just talked about. The spiral started again.

I freaked. I took meds that I was off of for 24 hours. It did not help. I knew then, this was fight I needed to face with myself and I knew then I was going to win. The question is how. Everyone is different. Everyone is strong in different ways. While I do believe support and help is key, I also think this is something that needs to come within me. I prayed. I cried. I talked until I could not even make sense anymore. I threw up because of the uncontrolled thoughts.

Then my husband said stop. Get up. Do something routine. I did the dishes. Once they were done with the dishes, my mind started. But I knew if I could just stay in front of it I could fix this. Maybe not this week, maybe not in a month but I would learn to control my anxiety and to find a way to get from a high or low back to a middle ground. My comfort zone.

I got a very sweet and helpful phone call from a friend and family member who has been there. Who says, your are not crazy. You are wonderful. You need support in your life like that. Not the over analyzers the complete supporters. 

I did something I should not have but I needed help for coping. I googled the heck out of anxiety. I am an extremely logical person and a trained scientist. If you are not, this is probably the worst thing to do. There is a lot of crap on the internet. However, one thing that stuck with with me was if the body is tired so is the mind. Do intense workout for 10 mins. Get in control of your body. Intense meaning you cannot do the workout with your complete concentration. As my husband said, it is too easy if you are thinking about anything beside the current exercise. I lifted heavy weights, did intense reps. Within 5 mins the only thing in my mind was do not drop the weight on your toe! I was back. Even just for a second. It felt like complete bliss. The whole time I was working out. I complemented myself. I have a phd in quantum chemistry. I have a success job. I have a beautiful family. I will get through this because I am strong and I want to get through this. Anxiety is part of me, it will not control and define me.

 I also find it very helpful to hear about my past struggles in my own words. Everyone interprets things differently. I want to know I can get through this next time because I have the struggle here; written out; in my own words. Like I said before. I am a very logical person and I can overcome this.

Two steps forward; one step back.

Tomorrow's goals: Lecture, grade, meetings. If I lose track, I work on the 9th floor. That is a lot of stairs for someone out of shape. I am sure it will be a struggle to go up and down all 9 flights but it will work to get the mind off things.

A plea from the heart

I use this blog as therapy and to help find a deeper understanding within. Sorry, this one is not about knitting or reading.

I have a plea. If you know someone with a mental illness or struggling, please hug them. Let them know what they are feeling is OK. Because it may be obvious to you that everything is okay but within an unhealthy mind, it is a challenge to remember and a life saver to hear.

I speak from the heart. This past spring break I had an anxiety attack. Severe for me but probably everyday normal for someone else. Tuesday evening it hit. I was in peer panic. I watched a unsettling criminal show and could not get the images out of my mind. I could not think but at the same time I could not stop thinking everything. It is like a million trains coming and going in every direction with many stops along the way. Everything seems jumbled and time stops. Every minute is an eternity  and every breathe is a chore. You are literally in a cage of your own thoughts and logic escapes.

After the second day, I knew I could not get out of the anxiety cycle on my own. I called my doctor and was seen. She was able to give me some meds to get the edge off. The next stages is the highs and lows. First, the meds worked and I felt like myself. However, in minutes anxiety came back and I crashed down low. These episodes continued for 2 days. My mind was so exhausted I would sleep over 12 hours. At some points, I was worried how I would continue to work, support a family or even raise my son. The anxiety was crippling and I was just trying to wade in the waters. A friend found an article that showed and explained the exact emotions and I found comfort. The next day was my sons 6th birthday and the day was about him not me. All day was a constant battle with staying excited, happy and hiding the anxiety from him.

Today is day 6 and tonight, in bed, I feel like I am human again. Part of the life I left 6 days ago. I can hug my child again and not be scared. I can close my eyes, breathe and find peace. As I write this and looking forward, I hope to read it someday when the high anxiety comes back. To remember I can manage and get through it.

If it was not for the support of my family, loved ones, coworkers and friends I am truly not sure where I would be. I am sure my day 6 would be completely different, alone and in a cold dark place. I am so thankful from the bottom of my heart that they understood and gave the support needed to overcome this burden.

I am sadden by the many individuals out there that are not so lucky to have the support I have. I have an opportunity at work to do good things and help students with mental health issues and I will continue to strive to help. We can get through it together. Bring awareness to mental health issues and reduce stigma. Everyone needs help sometimes. For anyone reading, I hope you do not have this struggle but if you do, I empathize with you. You are not alone and there is help. Do not feel embarrassed or hesitate to ask for help.

Suicide Prevent Line: 1-800-273-TALK 
24 Hour Crisis Line: 1-866-4CRISIS (427-4747)

Black Purl, Wausau WI

Hello knitters.

I hope your week is going well. We started off the week running and we are still going strong with our busy schedules. Our past weekend was so busy it was a blur and then came Monday. On Saturday, I had a baby shower to attend in Wausau, Wi. I figured if I was going to be in town, why not check out a new knitting store. I am so glad I did. I stopped by the Black Purl.

 When walking into a new place, I am always nervous. I believe that is the social awkward side of myself. Questions go through my head, will they be friendly, knowledgeable or snobby like some knitting stores. Well, I arrived in Wauasu early, really early, so I had a lot of time to pass. However, after opening the door and seeing six people sitting at a table knitting, saying hi and ask what I was knitting, I was no longer nervous. You could tell this knitting group was made of close friends. The women there, meet constantly to sit, chat and knit together. The atmosphere was warm and welcoming. I love these types of knitting communities. Their own safe place of support, love and respect. You could tell these women cared for one another and became each others allies and that community was maintained through knitting. 

The store owner showed me a variety of yarns. While visiting new stores, I always try to find yarn dyed locally. The Black Purl had yarn that was dyed right in Wausau. I picked out a skein for my knitting partner:

I shared my recent projects with them. Currently, I am working making beer mitts for Oktoberfest. 

This is made with a variety of colors with Knit Picks Palette Yarn. These finger less mittens by Silly Jane Knits are fast and fun.  All the ladies at Black Purl loved them. The owner even found a pattern from the 1950s to share with me. She said they would be perfect for Oktoberfest. They were these cute socks with beer steins and pretzels. Overall, I highly recommend visiting the Black Purl. I know I will return soon with more time to just relax and knit. You can find their Facebook page here and see all their events. 

That is all I have for now knitters. I cannot wait to see what  everyone else has on the needles! Have a great week. Linking up with Frontier Dreams and Ginny (tomorrow).

WIP Wednesday

Hello knitters.

Wow, we are back in full swing with a new semester. I teach at The University of Wisconsin-Madison in the spring semester on top of my normal job. I always forget how busy the spring semester becomes no matter how much I try to prepare. To be completely honest, the stress of this semester and the overwhelming schedule is going to be a true test of my abilities.

Knitting, reading and just being are the best outlets for this semester. I am doing well with staying on task and finishing my WIPS. My son was sick on Friday and came home  to snuggle. I had a pair of socks for him on needles that were almost done. I finished them up and he was able to rest with a nice warm pair of hand knit socks. 

 The pattern is Helix however, I modified it for a children's size. I cast on 48 stitches using size 2 needles. 

We have started a new tradition in our family. Every night my son gets to bed 30 minutes earlier and we read a chapter or two from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I love this time with my family. We are almost done with the book and decided to move on to the Chronicles of Narnia. As for my own reading, I just finished the first novel in the Shadow Hunter Series, City of Bones by Cassandra Clare. It was a quick and enjoyable read. I will check out the second novel. Not sure if I will finish the series, may become too predictable and silly. We will see. Happy Wednesday Knitters.

Getting organized with my WIPS

Hello knitters.

Happy Wednesday! I am trying to be a good girl and stay on task! I want to finish so many WIPS before I cast anything on. Oh its hard! All I want to do is start a new project. Gah! Currently, I am working on finishing my quick sliver project. I love the yarn and the colors. I cannot wait to wear it this winter. Only 3 sections left! 

 Currently I am reading City of Bones by Cassandra Clare. It is a good book for a quick read. I think I will try to read the whole series, The Mortal Instruments. Overall, it is an easy read which is perfect right now. After the move and all the changes in life, I am try to get back into my old habits. It is hard to restart a new routine in a new location and it is taking time. I spent this past week running different routes to get back into the groove of exercising. This winter break I also took time to start reading again and I found a comfy spot in the house that works perfect. Now, I just need to fit in some knitting time.

WIP Wednesday

Hello Knitters.

Whew. Christmas flew by. We had an awesome holiday. N spent a ton of time playing with his cousins, hanging out with grandma and grandpa, seeing his aunt and uncle. Just getting in a lot of quality time with family. Pure bliss. Of course, he was spoiled by santa. He is on cloud 9 with all of his new toys and games. We played Candy Land yesterday with his cousins and today I think we will have a couple of games of Old Maid and Chutes n Ladders. 

I am still working on my WIPS. I finished a pair of socks for my mom. She does not have a single hand knit item from me and this needed to be fixed. The color changes in these socks are my favorite. The bright oranges to the sharp teals makes my heart sing.

 Today I will finish up my Opal socks. I am so excited to wear these adorable socks. I love how Opal Yarn stripes. This is my first pair and I am thrilled to get more Opal yarn (after some more WIPS are done!)

My flowers bloomed on Christmas. What a small and awesome surprise. Made my day. I cannot wait to see what is on everyone's needles. I hope you had a wonderful holiday and here is to a great 2016. Cheers.

Yep. I am still alive & knitting

Hello world! I am back. It has been forever, FOREVER since I last blogged. I miss blogging but things have been a whirlwind here. Now, they are clamming down and I can finally catch up! 

What's going on... well, we pick up our son everyday from school, after work. We drove past a very cute house for sale. Everyday. Finally my husband and I thought, well it does not hurt to ask and look. We went and looked at the house and lets just say the instant we walked it we knew it was NOT for us. However, it got us think... why do we still rent after 5 years. We found a Realtor and started looking. In two weeks we had an accepted offer and were moving in 30 days. WOW, that was a lot to take in. We were excited, worried, over-whelmed... pretty much feeling every emotion possible. We moved October 29th and had our duplex up for rent. It rented yesterday. Now, I feel like I can breathe. Just take a step back and enjoy the life changes. My son loves his room. We are lucky and now have a fenced in backyard for the dogs to run. It is just now sinking in that we have a home. 

On to knitting. After packing up ALL my knitting projects and yarn, I realized I could knit for the next 10 years without buying a thing. Recently, I became good friends with a coworker. She is awesome. She asked for a knitted cowl for the cold winter days (ironically the lack of) in WI. I was very excited to make her something. I started the Devonshire cream cowl and I love it. I hope she does too.

Since the weather was not creating the Christmas spirit, I decided to make holiday stitch markers.

It is the little things that can make a big difference. Tis the season.